Therapist

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2017-05-23 21:13:55 (UTC)

Aniexty

I have so much anxiety. I'm mad at myself looking for so what I thought in mind. Love. There's no such thing as perfect. People aren't perfect we're bound to make mistakes. I miss that bound. I look back on old entries and thought to myself. I was just nuts. Desprate for a guy to like me. But never thought of a guy treating me fairly... Or the other way around. I like to pay for my own things. And especially if some one pays for me. I get sad and pay them back. Like I'm not worth you spending money on me. I like to believe I'm strong enough to sustain myself financially. All you gotta do is tell me I'm pretty, laugh. Or make me laugh. Loyal and honest and not leave me when I break down. I let him see that. I did. I feel so ashamed he never responded. Okay. So it is true "treat others how you want to be treated" I was to heavy for you. I was to heavt to sassy too crazy for you. But baby you might be right I guess I am "too much". I am to love Someone as a friend. I know deep inside I am not the victim but I do take full responsibility towards my actions. Idk if it was best for both of us. You not wanting to commit and me just scared to let go. Those. Are leading to an abusive relationship. And I am too sassy too pretty too crazy for you. But I honestly am not mad at you. Because I'm still learning. Although I'm mad at myself making me look stupid. Nah. I already played my part. You didn't have the balls to tell me. Fuck you mean. I will gladly. If I loved you. I would have came to you. If I wanted you I could have gave myself to you if you needed me if be there to listen. I'd be there. But I didn't get any in return. And that sucks you give so much compassion towards someone they fill their ego instead of watering and helping yours grow. Its ok. Its fine. We all need attention. No one wants to be alone. Not even the feminist. Nor a priests. But I'm fine. I will be. I prayed protects you. Make you realize I saw the best of you. I saw the kind heart you have. I saw the Desprate help you called when she hugged you. When you noticed and hope shed shut up. I saw all of it. I read it. I read it. I read you. You feed off attention. That damn smile. That damn face you made. Had me falling. All over again. You in my eyes. Saw me. And sadly I called it love. Even though I didn't know how. I didn't know how to give back. But instead. Wasted my time on someone who expected me to love them. Expected me love. But I didn't know. Maybe I did but I felt like I didn't want to give my love. I was doing the same shit to you. I didn't know how. And that's okay. You helped me look past that. No hate in my heart. Just understanding that its best for the both of us not seeing or talking to each other. I forgave like an idiot untill I felt bad and took you back out of lonlines. I forgave. Nah. I can't ill be lying to myself.

You taught me. If a person really wanted you they'd do anything to show you but... Would I do the same for you? Or would I just bathe in my ego and pride and lust for you later?

I should be healing. Good thing I ended it hear in home. Instead where I should start a new life. I guess we were both out of love. It wasnt love. It was loneliness. But. I cut you off today so that way I can heal like I did. But I feel like deep down. I fallen so deep. You laughed. I'm crazy. Maybe see your face or how you talk. Making it seem like its okay to say its all in my head. You should be a great psychologist. But suddenly. Those are the one in pain the most. Forgive me . I dony know how to forgive myself I was better than this. Not just sex. I'm a virgin. So sadly I would be to scared to give it to you. Like I did when I gave you my forst kiss. Funny. Idk. I prayed it was your lips when I kossed him. Fucked up. I know. But. Everyone does mistakes. Learn. I fucked up. I did. I just didnt know how. I learn. And learn to not let myself do it again. I'm healong. And so should you. Healing.... And hopefully someday ill add you. Maybe in 5 years... Years. Of look back and say damn do I really like yhis kid? Eh. Suck to suck. Am I happy now. Was I happy then. My heart skipped a beat when you messaged me. My heart skipped. Jumped of joy when you texted back after 2 months. But not realizing I was just dogging deeper to our own misery and selfishness. Our own loneliness... I sit alone. What I could have done. But. Then again. What you could have done or not done too. You were just crazy... My type of crazy. But I was concerned you taking those drugs. You became an addict. I was happy to find out your brother snithcrd. Out of all the horrible things you say he does... That's probably the best the he ever done for you. I wanted to become your addiction
Not those drugs that only made you feel good for a split second. I hate it. Such a beautiful handsome boy and just taken away pieves and pieces of misunderstood. I don't understand. Maybe I tried my best to understand but you didnt get the chance to understand me. Why I said things why I did. What I meant. But thats my fault for not making myself clear... On what I wanted and no matter how much. I tried to explain you gave up. You were done. You honestly did not like me. Like you did before. You just liked the attention I gave you like I did to you. And I'm very sorry and I hope there was a way to take it all back and make it up to you. I would in a heart beat. But your smart ass would probably tell me yo give you head instead actually setting your head straight. You were bored on sexually. And I was bored on flirting. I helped you. But I guess you helped me too. Patients unroll it runs out and I walk away or one of us does.




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