rainy

My heart in a knot
2017-05-09 10:54:37 (UTC)

Full

I just learned that the job I wanted to test for was full by the time I had finally responded to the email. What luck huh.... I was concerned about rather or not I would be allowed to test because I didn't receive a response back from them so I called to find out and the lady told me that it was already full so that means I won't be allowed to test. The sad thing is that that wasn't even for a guarantee for the job but simply to test to see if you could get the job, so maybe they had a limit of about 50 people and they had all responded between the 1st and 2nd and I was just too late.


Well, that's that, I'll have to keep searching for a better opportunity. The saddest thing about this whole situation was everything that went wrong at my 1 good paying job I've ever had. And I keep racking my brain about it with both regret and resentment, and I don't doubt that I'm not the only one. So many people have tried that job and lost the battle from the stress of it all, I survived for quite some time despite everything. But the worst feeling is not knowing if it was that job that made me sick. All I know is that before that job I wasn't as in as bad of shape before working there, particularly with my memory and energy levels. It's possible that I depleted my b12 reserves and other essential vitamins and minerals and didn't realize it, but I don't understand why my body has to be so much more sensitive to changes, there were other people who worked there who seemed to be in worst shape than me and they didn't seem to have half of the problems I did.


As far as now is concerned I feel like I have stabilized but I'm still not 100 percent better, I think the stress from that job had started an autoimmune response in me because I still sometimes have joint pain despite having stabilized. Right now I'm still working on my health, eating plenty of avocados, eggs, greens, omega 3s, and probiotics. Eventually I'm going to get a pressure cooker so I can make my own bone broth; bone broth seemed to be helping me a lot in the beginning plus it gave me a lot of energy.


Everything that happened is both a blessing and a curse, because I don't think if it would of happened that I would be at this new level of understanding about myself and the world around me, especially with all the new information I've learned about my health. But most importantly I notice that I took that job for granted and that I didn't use that opportunity as a stepping stone to something better.


All of this has led me to where I am now as I've been thinking critically of my childhood and who my parents are and how that all lead me to where I am now. Of course I feel guilty about it because a part of me feel like I'm blaming them for my problems but I'm not, not entirely anyway, but yes a part of my problems stem from the way the raised us and lack of care shown for our emotional well-being.


I've also been thinking about how all this plays out with my sister; who actually seems to be worst off than me sometimes. I feel like no matter how hard I try to help her she just ignores everything I say and does what she wants. She is constantly in her room coughing because she is sick a lot from a poor diet and dirty living conditions/habits. When she moved back in I asked her to clean up everything she had built up in the closets but she wouldn't, she made excuses and has not cleaned up anything since moving back in, that annoys me more than anything because she has had nothing but time to clean up but she refuses to, it's like she enjoys living in filth. I'm trying so hard to not be so critical of her but she doesn't even try to improve, she seems 100 percent comfortable the way she is living and it makes me upset because I'm not asking her to go out and get a degree or fix her debts all I want her to do is clean up after herself but she acts as if I'm asking her to be someone she doesn't want to be. If she wants to sit in her room all day playing video games then fine, I can't force her to try to improve her life, she seems to have zero desire to do so. This is where our parents come in, well, it's where they don't come in because I was self-motivated to get my education and find a good job, but my sister just doesn't seem to care about any of that, all she cares about is video games.


I'm tired of writing about that. Right now I'm just trying to figure out how to move forward with my life and get to a better place; a better place in my health, in my living situation, in building relationships with others.... just life in general. Right now my health is top priority as I realize that I may need to join a gym because I seem to be unmotivated to go to the park enough like I said I would. One of the things about my last job that was a benefit was that I was able to go to the gym for free, it was kind of like a free trial. I honestly enjoyed the gym culture; the machines were plentiful, the environment was welcoming, and I enjoyed being around others. My only worry was the germs and bacteria that may be lurking on some of the equipment, I don't know for sure but I've think meningitis and sepsis can be contracted that way but usually show up in people who have weakened immune systems, it's not likely I would get it because it's not that common plus my immune system is fairly strong. Besides the gym I feel like I need to figure out how to get the combination that seemed to be helping me the most, which was omega 3s, vitamin C and probiotics, when I was on those 3 at the same time I remembered feeling my best, but ideally I would like a whole food version of all 3 but I can't seem to get enough in my diet through food alone.


I also need to find the best way to get my hormones in balance, I think the chaste berry was working but not as fast as I need it to, I've been reading about a few different teas to try, so I'll try that too until I find something that works for me, it hasn't been until I've increased my healthy fats and oils that I've been able to notice that my hormones need balancing. I've also been getting better sleep.

It might take a year or longer until I am at a much better position but what matters is that I'm starting now.


Today is so cold.




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