Nic.

The View Of The Oddball
2017-04-27 20:09:46 (UTC)

42717

This is not a feeling i can convey to anyone. Not family. Not friends. and most definitely not my fiance. So maybe here is the only place that i can truly speak whats on my mind without being 100% terrified. So exactly 2 months ago i wrote on this about how excited i was that i was getting married. And this feeling i speak of is the feeling that im completely unsure if thats what i truly want. This is going to sound absolutely horrible but I met someone who makes me so happy. We are strictly friends but i cant help the feeling that theres something i might be missing out on. I hate that i feel this way because its so terribly wrong to do this to someone that loves me without any hesitation. Yet i just cant seem to shake this feeling. Doesnt that sound like young me? young me couldnt make up her mind for the life of her. But this isnt how i should be now, im older and im supposed to be wiser but i guess somethings never change honestly. I am trying so hard to pretend like everything is ok and holding in everything because im too afraid of the outcome if i do something without truly thinking about it. Dont get me wrong, i love the man im with but a big part of me is saying that im still young i have so much more things to do in my life and i dont need anyone holding me back from those things.
I feel like such a horrible person, beside the fact that the person i have gained feelings for wont even speak to me, doesnt that tell my brain something? nope cause im stupid and stubborn and i keep up faith. I truly believe things happen for a reason. But what could be the reason for this....Why cant i ever just truly commit myself to one other person and not have my brain think a million different crazy thoughts, why cant i just be happy?? i dont get why i am who i am. maybe im so scared people are gunna leave i completely give up before they do.
This has been killing my mind for a while now. I just needed to get it all out.




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