Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
A Logical Progression
Even though I took the little ones to the library (as I usually do on Monday's), I didn't feel much like writing there. I actually felt more like writing at home - in my bed - like I've done for years. Perhaps this is a shift back to writing at home, instead of seeking out a tranquil public venue with a view? Who knows. I'm just doing what feels right for right now. I took a steaming hot bath, deep conditioned my hair, shaved my legs, moisturized my skin, and now I write. A logical progression in my evening of self-care.
Mentally I'm still doing as well as I can be (I think... as well as I've ever been on my best day, at least. Could I be better? I don't really know). I spend most of my waking moments feeling content and peaceful. Often happy, rarely overtly sad or irritated, but occasionally ambivalent/apathetic/unmotivated/pensive/etc. I approach irritation if I'm not able to get the quiet time I need to recharge, but I'm doing a much better job of expressing my need for that time. Instead of just exploding when I reach my breaking point with no real warning. So, I'm doing better. I haven't been working in Practicing Happiness as diligently as I should, but the work I have done I've been implementing in my life and I'm seeing a difference. I'm definitely much more mindful in day to day life than I ever have been before. In a very effortless and organic way. It's becoming who I am. Not just something I'm practicing. This pleases me so much. I've wanted nothing more than to be as calm and content as I've often pretended to be. I'm approaching that goal.
Work has been going well. Rarely do I dread going. I'm feeling more confident than I think I ever have, and for the most part I feel ready to take on more responsibility when the time comes... but on the other hand, fear of stepping up is leading me to slip back into inactivity. Christine wants me to reach out to Nicole (our District Manager) and make my presence known within the district, and that idea scares the ever-living fuck out of me. Bringing attention to myself has got to be the most uncomfortable obstacle I face in my career. I am a shrinking violet in that regard. So, I need to work on this. I don't want my inactivity to create doubt in Christine's mind about whether or not I'm ready. I am. I can do this job. I'm more than capable... but I must become okay with showing that I am.
I also found out this week that our assistant store manager (whom I've become close to) is transferring to the Tacoma store, and an old coworker I used to butt heads with is taking her spot. She left our old store to manage the Southcenter PINK store, but she just had a baby and needs to be closer to her family for support. So, almost 3 years later, she's coming back. I'm hoping in that 3 years her communication skills have improved and she's less passive aggressive. I want to go into this with the most open mind possible. I don't want pessimism to ruin my changes of promoting. I also hope she doesn't plant seeds of doubt into Christine or Nicole's heads about my capabilities. Last time we worked together I was a supervisor, but honestly wasn't doing so hot in my role. I hope she doesn't hold that against me. Mentally I really wasn't well, and I was going through a lot. That was during the time I'd stopped writing (but also part of the reason I started back up). I want all of that to be in the past. I want a chance to progress in the direction I feel like I should have been going in 3 years ago. I can't even get mad at myself for fucking things up. Mental illness isn't a choice.
Physically my body is feeling good. Aside from a little bit of sciatic flare up today (probably because I lifted weights yesterday. It happens sometimes), my body is feeling calm. No major inflammation. My knee is good, hips are good, back is okay (aside from the sciatic spurts), no headaches. I'm back to eating better and I haven't missed a step goal all week. In fact, I've been averaging 12,000 - 15,000/day instead of being content with my 10,000 goal. I'm still keeping it as my daily goal because it's attainable and reasonable on my worst day, but on my best day I'm capable of more. So I do more.
The mystical 10 pounds the scale said I gained vanished along with the period bloating that caused it. I'm pretty proud of myself for not getting worked up about that. Jennifer of 10 years ago would have starved herself for a week as punishment. Like I really have any control over hormonal weight fluctuations. Lessons you learn as you mature, I suppose.
Tomorrow is Kiki's 12th birthday. Wild... When I started this diary she was 3 months old... and now she's a pre-teen! I get really worked up about the kids getting older. Not as much over Kiki and Keenan because I know I have years left with them under my wing... but Annie. My time with her is almost up, and she needs me less and less. I went back to the beginning entries to see how old Kiki was when I started writing here and one of my first entries (a week into starting this diary) was Dear Annie. A letter I wrote to 6 year old Annie. Reading it brought me to tears. My writing wasn't as good back then as it is now, but all the feeling is there. All the hurt. The searing pain. It's palpable. I think I'm going to print it out and give it to her for her 18th birthday. There are a few things in that letter I still haven't shared with her to this day... and I need to. It's time. And I'm going to cry again. Because I love her so much, but 18 years later I still feel like I'm failing her. She'd say I haven't, that I never have, but I can't help the way I feel.
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