Screened In Porch

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2017-04-23 19:21:53 (UTC)

Sunday changes

So, I did end up texting her about a listing she has that she seems to think she can make me wait on paperwork that I am supposed to have in case we are audited. She replied that she has the paperwork but "this is prom day so I won't be sending it today". At first I thought that felt like a stab in my heart. I am sure her other grandmother was around yesterday helping her with things or at least there to see her done up. I just said fuck it too myself...wishing her a great night full of memories. No photos....nothing this morning. I was so disappointed.

So today, I thought that checking into facebook to see if she posted any photos of my granddaughter along with anyone else that may have seen them to reply or give them a LIKE. You know what, I do not want that type of relationship with my family. So, I defriended them. This granddaughter was not even a friend...she had already defriended me sometime and I had not noticed it. I defriended my daughter and blocked her. So she can not check my page or see what I am doing. If she wants to know anything, she can call me. I did defriend the middle one...not that she has done anything...but she never responds to anything or never mentions me....I feel like they are all so disappointed in me...I am not good enough....smart enough....do not do enough or what? What? If any of them want to have a conversation, I have a phone and a home and the door is always open to them. But I will no longer be put on the back burner treated like this anymore. I am not interested in feeling so sad all day and night that my chest aches like a toothache inside of me. I will not let them kill me this way. I they do not want a relationship. Guess what? I can take a hint. HINT TAKEN!

So, this morning I was trying to put photos again on our webpage. MY panic attack sent me into a tailspin. I thought I was going to die. How fucking hard can it be. I take a photo. I download, upload, post it. DUH? Oh no, with this new camera, it is taking photos large enough to be a billboard. So, I have to resize them. I was just way too upset already to have to do all that.

So, I reached out to a graphic designer I know and sent him the photos and he is resizing them and emailing them back to me. I am
sending him a check once he does it. I felt like a weight had been lifted off me. Just another reminder that I have been looking forever it seems for a class to take to learn how to do this shit myself.

GOD...I am sending a email, letter whatever to the college near here and complaining.....I am sick of this shit.

Anyway....my chest hurts real bad. I could be having a heart attack or this could be from my heart being broken...
whichever...

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