Screened In Porch

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2017-04-23 19:06:18 (UTC)

Feeling sad today

Okay, this is the weekend my granddaughter goes to the prom. I have not been a part of it although I volunteered to buy her some accessories on the 19th. She was not interested. I have not spoken to my daughter on the phone since 3-19. I feel like I am grieving her death or something. Not being included is hard. I know her mother in law is included. She will be there to see her walk out the door to whomever is taking her. Not me. I have not been included.

The only reason I was asked to go to the play she was in is because I bought her that car that week. I mean really people, it is not that hard to see. If I am anything, I am someone who can take a hint. It hurts so bad. I can not stop crying today.

No, I am not perfect. But I have never robbed someone blindly knowing they would not do anything but keep on giving....I did not teach her that. She learned that shit on her own. Not from me. I had a foster mother who I gave every check I ever earned when I aged out of the system. She gave me 10 or 20 bucks a week for gas out of that money. She had to buy groceries....etc

I never questioned it. Never. It was so hard to make enough money back then or save enough to move out and take my daughter to a home where it was just the two of us. I did it a couple times, but always ended back at the foster mothers house because no one taught me how to manage money....I had very low skills socially. My self esteem sucked.

Even with all the accomplishments I have earned through out my life, my self esteem is still shot to hell.

The life I expected when I grew old included my grandkids my kids. All I ever wanted was my own family.

I still got one. But it is not what I had hoped.

I do not bitch and complain to anyone....just here. You guys see it. You guys understand it.

I do so much for her. And she does not even call me. Even after I told her that it hurts me so much that she does not.

I guess now I have been taught something by her. I can now take a hint.

I get it.

My heart is breaking so much today.

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