rainy

My heart in a knot
2017-04-19 13:46:26 (UTC)

Red flags everywhere

So you'll never imagine the horrors that I just witnessed. Remember that job interview that I said I had? well it was a bust. So I go to the interview which was scheduled for 1:30, I arrived a little early and nobody was there, I waited and even by 1:35 no body was there. I call the guy and he tells me he's at some type of event, so basically he was late to an interview he set up himself.

I brushed it off because I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt but boy was I wrong..... So later as I'm filling out paper work he ask me if I have any questions, I tell him yes and precede to ask him questions about the position, well low and behold the position was nothing like it was described on the website, and I later found that they fire people just as fast as they hire them and that there is no guaranteed work. I kept having so many red flags that I didn't even know what to do, my head was spinning. Honestly I had always been suspicious of this company because there was zero information on them and I was even wondering if I was about to walk into a scam of some type... also one of their conditions of employment was a mandatory financial contribution to their company, I didn't even know companies could do that.


Anyway, my intuition was telling me to run and so I expressed my concerns with him, that was when he basically shared with me that he fires people just as fast as they hire them and that he has 200 employees so firing someone is no big deal, I knew then that I had to run and so I did, despite doing it in a respectful way he got very rude and defensive, then slammed my application into the trashcan, I told him that I was concerned about that because all of my personal information was on it... he then made up some story about shredding it later... by the way I didn't have any super sensitive information on it, but still it was unnerving, but mostly his bad attitude....


It was an experience I don't want to have again but may end up having it since I've entered the working "danger zone". Here's the thing: 1 year, 9 months, and 30 days ago I decided to leave a job that I had been at for 5 years, I left because I got tired of being in my comfort zone and accepting low wages. I did end up finding a well-paying job, but I failed after making many mistakes, although I wasn't that bad and even had my "wonderful" days the job got so stressful I didn't know if I could handle it. I lasted for 9 months and 5 days, I was hanging on like a desperate person clinging onto dear life, but after the stress started messing with my heart I had to leave..... was it a bad decision? sometimes I think it was the worst decision and sometimes I think it was completely necessary giving the circumstances, but ultimately I think it did damage my career even just a slight bit. After that I was really sick..... I was terribly sick, couldn't focus..etc... but still needed to work...

Looking back I wish I would have done things differently because now I'm in a hole, it's so hard to find a good job. And to be clear I want to define a "good" job: 1. pays a living wage (let's be clear, I'm not trying to be a millionair, I just want a job that allows me to feed, house, and care for myself) 2. Has very little or no stress (stress is damaging to the body and despite what people say I don't believe that a job should be stressful) 3. Doesn't have any "shady" business (I've worked at places where managers were caught stealing, fights between employees/customers, general two faced people..etc) 4. Safe (is it too much to ask for a safe working environment?)

So that's basically what I would like to see in a job, unfortunately no job I've had has offered all of those, it's usually a trade off of some sort... for example, the job I had that pays really well, pays really well... so you would think they would be able to keep all of their employees... but they can't, why??? what is happening to all these people, sure some retire, some die, some move... but the reality is that the nature of the job was so stressful you would have to work on creating the perfect environment or do some daily meditation to deal with it all. Looking back on that experience there were times when I was able to find a peaceful place among all the stress and I was able to keep my composure, but it was like everything kept pushing me further and further over the edge..... basically the job pays high because they know people won't last long... some do, but not everyone. So basically yesterday was my last attempt at getting back into that job at least for a few years, I put in a total of 22 applications.... I wanted to hold on, I did.... now it's like I'm just the employee who wasn't good enough.

Right now I'm searching for a job that will work, I'm not anywhere near as anxious about the future as I was a year ago. I just want a quite peaceful job at the library... I need a quite peaceful job, that's all I want.

In other news I haven't heard back from the people/places I had expected to hear from, it's kind of disheartening but maybe I'm just expecting quick results when things need to take time to process.... yes.. that's a problem I have, I expect quick results far too often without giving things time. Most importantly I need to believe that things will eventually start to work themselves out, I think if I keep believing that then it will help me be more optimistic about the future.


Right now I'm craving a piece of chocolate cake, it's not that I'm not eating sugar anymore but I don't need it with all this stress I'm under so I'll just go home and have another salmon burger, which are still satisfying. I guess while I'm on the subject of foods and such I'll say that today was day 2 of taking vitex chaste berry herb and I really do believe that it is having a positive effect on me!! it's making me feel "happier" and even if it's just a placebo effect who cares because I need to feel this way... all the time... only time will tell, I have 87 days left, which will be the 3 month period that I've read people say it starts to really show results.... and if it does then hopefully it will be something I take for as long as needed.


Also... I'm getting a new phone, it's nothing fancy, but it's free and my current one is crap. It should be here next Monday, hopefully.

I don't think I have anything else to write about... like always writing has helped calm my nerves, especially lately with all these changes happening, writing is what I do when I need to feel a sense of stability and let things off my chest...I'm thinking about getting a "fidget cube", I think they are starting to gain popularity and it's only a matter of time until the dollar store has them. Weirdly enough I've seen what looks to be the same one from everywhere from $30 down to $1... ha...


Well I'm starting to get really hungry so it's time to go...




Ad: