Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2017-04-17 17:50:58 (UTC)

Ambivalence Is The Hardest Part

Every week I say I need to write more, but really, I'm not feeling terribly motivated to. I go through spells like this. Usually when things are going well I don't really feel the need... I'm sure that will change. Soon enough I'll have a plethora of things needing to be worked out. Right now, I'm doing okay. Not terribly happy, but also not sad. The ambivalence is the hardest part.


For the first time in months, I'm struggling with the desire to track my food intake and make my daily step goals. Even in the deepest depths of my depression, I would drag my sorry ass out of bed to get my steps in. Now, some days I'm like "meh, who cares?" I do, but then again I don't. I'm also very much NOT enjoying tracking my food intake. I'm at the point where I want to just free eat and see if I can maintain a proper balance (which was why I started tracking in the first place). I made the mistake of stepping on the scale last night. I don't know why. Maybe just to see if I've done any damage. The funny thing is, I'm feeling really good in my skin, dropped a pant size, and don't feel like I've put on even an ounce... but the scale said I gained 10 pounds. 10! How crazy is that? I'm going to attribute it to 3 things: 1) my period, 2) it was nighttime and everyone knows you're supposed to weigh yourself in the morning, and 3) water retention from eating too much sodium. I've been consuming more salt than usual (due to said period). I'm betting once I get back on track with my regular eating I'll be fine. The past couple days I've been eating more fruit and drinking smoothies. But since I'm looking and feeling good, I don't even care if the scale says I've gained weight. Fuck the scale.

There really isn't much to say about life these days......... I'm very proud of us (Snookums and I) for being frugal with the rest of our tax return. It's still holding on. We went back to living as modestly as possible. One of my biggest stressors is not having enough money for necessities. With that issue resolved (hopefully not temporarily, but that's yet to be seen), I'm left with more time to appreciate life. And stress about everything a little less. So, if you don't hear from me, know that it's a sign that all is well. I'm so good. Even if my depression is still being a little brat once in awhile. I guess we all need a day in bed, watching Law & Order now and then.




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