Wr1tt3n0ne

Bunches and bunches
2017-04-14 01:21:06 (UTC)

Coming Up on Who Knows?

Disclaimer: I am up for hours now and have had a bit of trouble sleeping. Coherent thought could be slightly impaired.


There comes a time in every relationship I have ever been in where I take up the eternal question: Is love enough? Meaning, to me, is the love I feel and my interest feels sufficient to actually build some sort of relationship on. The answer is pretty telling. In the past, I have answered it as many ways as I have had people in my life. I have been sure only a handful of times that I knew the answer. Most of the rest of the time the question gets returned to its box and reexamined another day. Eventually all of my relationships or lack there of have answered it.

This leads any sane person to ask me well what about first love? Yep, dunno. I *think* so. Even though making it work in a practical sense with him is complex. And my life involves balancing raising my family, partner returning to school, and a sizable move, there is that yes, it is possible, even probable, floating out there on the breeze.

I confess to cheating the answer more often than not. If I find I can envision a life with them, there is usually one to be had, and I have the means to achieve it with them. If I find I cannot envision it, well, that serves as the first knell of the relationship death toll. I could know right now, but I did promise not to envision when it came to first love. Still my visions have not entirely listened to such things and come unbidden to my dreams. I have had snippets of things that highly suggest a future with him, however I have not formally sought a complete answer so I am not sure if that is merely my wishful thinking or more. I feel it is more than my wishes I see. I would put a small sum on it, if I were a betting woman.

All this may surprise anyone reading me because there doesn't seem to be that possibility in my writing. Loads of hope against hope, but very little surety. My writing is always a bit pessimistic and my heart is an optimist and my future is a struggling realist. Reality falls somewhere on my continuum, usually closer to heart than my future although I have had some epic failures where I should have heeded my writing. All things considered, first love does seem to have a place in my future although the exact contours of that remain to be seen. And he still has to pick a path with me in it. I think he will, I certainly hope he will, but who knows?





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