Wr1tt3n0ne

Bunches and bunches
2017-04-12 18:20:51 (UTC)

The Irrationality of Being

Kind of a mouthful, not unlike other pastimes, to be sure.

It is when we stare losing something in the face we are able to live courageously and say the things that otherwise quietly burn in the heart. That is the stupidest thing. I mean it. Who wants to almost lose what they want most before they feel they can get a little gumption and speak up? Me, that's who, apparently.

When it comes to first love and the many, many things I have kept to myself that I clearly should have shared, I am the one unable to speak. What a hot mess! So now to wait and see the consequences of my actions, or lack there of. I will say finally being able to communicate openly has made a difference in me already. I feel loads better and I hope it has cleared up some of the questions he had. Time will tell.

He reads this. I have caught references in his talks with me. But I wonder if I am even clear here. I hope this is more than platitudes and mental wanderings by an unsteady mind.

On the subject of new love,
I intend to accord myself transparently and if life hurts me, so it does. Shoulder shrug, been through worse and came out the other side mostly whole. It will cost me too much opportunity with him to protect myself. All that I feel I have left to me is courageous living. And yes I could fail and he could walk away from the kind of romantic relationship that poets only guess at, long days, weeks, even years of loyalty, deep religious ties and work and the physical aspects no one wants more than us. Though I cannot guarantee any of it, it is circumstances and intention for now and that is pretty thin after how long we've both waited for this. And I have muddied the waters with my self protection and hiding already. Maybe those possibilities have flown away. Maybe there is a chance, in penance, in faith, in fate. I will do all I can henceforth and hope that the hour has not grown too late. I wish to love him in any and every way he will allow me. He talks strongly of mutual respect, but maybe we should add trust. That last will be hard for us, he's ghosted before and I have walked off in a huff before, although we seem to have each other in our thoughts and the best of intentions even if we are not able to build anything. I pray it is enough to start to lay a foundation, so we are no longer alone in ways others don't see.

On partner, he is up to his good natured troublesomeness. Whenever the moments with him go long and start to feel stale, there's that smile. Hugs for me at the end of everything and mischievous suggestions. His insight has driven a lot of my clarity and persistence with first love. Partner saw possibility long before I did and positioned me to stay the course long enough to see for myself. He makes space and settles me into it when it comes to first love. He dutifully hears the writings as I read to him now nearly nightly and sometimes even tries to dictate some lines (which I, at most, rewrite into my own words and usually wave away). He inquires after my talks with first love and gets his chest covered with tears and fists when I thwart myself with equivocal talk and first love can't understand me. Truly partner cares very much for my happiness and I am always happy be in his arms, lost in his kisses and quiet. He is one of the only people who knows how to handle me when I get defensive and prickly when all I want is to quit fighting and love. The physical crests and troughs with my moods. This month makes 15 years, glorious years, not without struggle but with love always.




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