Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2017-04-10 18:14:07 (UTC)

The Mind-Body Connection

Life has been going so smoothly the past couple weeks. Which is why I haven't really felt the need to write. Seems I'm only compelled to write regularly when life is challenging. Am I better able to cope with day to day challenges, or are there less of them? This is the question I've been asking myself pretty much daily. I've definitely become more adept at managing life's disappointments and upsets, but I do think in general I've been getting shit on less (knock on wood, crossing fingers, and all of that superstitious stuff - just in case! I don't want to jinx myself).


Last week I found myself getting a bit lax when it came to reaching my step goals and tracking food intake. I flat out didn't want to do it. I've been tracking in S Health faithfully everyday since last September, and I haven't exceeded my calorie goal even once in that time. Not to use that as license to eat everything in sight, but I felt like I needed a couple days away from it. I don't know how much I ate, or how many steps I took, and I don't care. The world didn't end because I didn't track. I didn't gain any weight. I didn't experience anything other than a feeling of control over my impulses and desires. My OCD loves the structure of keeping track, but I didn't have any sort of meltdown from not doing it for a couple days. Come Sunday, I was back at it - because I wanted to. Maybe it was better for my body, too. Having days here and there where you eat drastically more or drastically less can break whatever kind of funk your metabolism might be falling into. Also known as plateauing. Which I suspect I've settled into. I haven't lost anything in the past few weeks (not that I've put forth much of an effort to do so), and my usual 10,000 steps is really not a challenge at all. I'm torn between raising my daily goal, or just making a point of doing more on the days I can fit it in (I did 17,000 steps yesterday solely because I could, but that isn't possible everyday. Which is why I don't necessarily want to up my daily goal if I know I wouldn't consistently be able to reach or exceed it).

I'm loving all the changes I'm seeing in my fitness level and the shape of my body. Being skinny is less important than it has ever been to me. Feeling comfortable in my skin is paramount. Which is why I set out on this journey in the first place. Not to be super-skinny and gorgeous by societal conventions. But to feel happy and comfortable. Not short of breath climbing stairs. Not feeling crammed into my too-tight clothes. Not struggling to tie my own shoes because my belly is in the way. Not avoiding certain clothes because they'd accentuate and cling to my rolls. None of that made me feel particularly body positive. It had less to do with the way I looked, and everything to do with the way I felt... which in turn dictated whether I thought I looked good or not. It wasn't my size that made me feel unattractive, but the mind-body connection. My mind wasn't happy with my body. I can look at picture after picture of fuller figured models and see nothing but beauty... but the reality is, I don't feel good at 220 pounds. I just don't. If those models do, then they need to continue rocking it. For me, true body positivity is having the discipline to do what's right for yourself. Whether it be gaining weight, losing weight, building muscle, or simply learning to overcome the constant criticism society throws at us.

Work has been surprisingly good! I got some really awesome news on Saturday. Early in the day Christine (my manager) said over the headset "Jennifer, don't let me forget. I need to talk to you before you leave today". Of course, as is human nature, I immediately started going over every possible wrong-doing I could have committed. I couldn't think of anything. I've been on my game. Doing well. Even though I was a little nervous, I didn't let it get to me, because I was confident that I hadn't done anything wrong. I was right. It was the exact opposite, and something I've been wanting for awhile. With Sara struggling through early pregnancy (constantly calling out), and already struggling in her role, it's becoming more and more apparent that she's not going to make it. Christine didn't come right out and say it (because ethically she can't), but I think if Sara doesn't quit on her own, she's going to be terminated. Or maybe demoted, though she's already been demoted once due to poor performance. I suspect she's on a performance improvement plan, and there hasn't been any measurable improvement I can see. So, basically I'm going to start now - learning the role, becoming totally proficient, so when I'm interviewed by Nicole (our district manager), it will be more "look what I'm doing" and less convincing her that I can do it. Christine is confident that I'm ready, and I agree. I've never been more ready. Nobody but management knows, and it needs to stay that way for awhile until things resolve (one way or the other), but I'm excited! And I intend to do everything in my power to excel. It's my second chance.




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