Wr1tt3n0ne

Bunches and bunches
2017-04-10 15:29:29 (UTC)

Labels: Love Them or Leave Them?

Ahh, labels! A great deal of the confusion and strife in my internal/external life as of late has been a result of labels, labeling, or lack of labels. First love and I have spent considerable time and space in being in this nether world where labels are not. It makes a heap of sense not to label this whatever we have. It has been a long time in coming so aspirations are attached to labeling. A great deal of time has elapsed since it was last labeled so it makes it difficult to pigeonhole anyways. Labels can lead to action and action is very probably not something either of us want or need at this moment with so much being uncertain. Along those lines I specifically laid out a let's not decide idea where decisions are tabled for the first couple of months. He seemed pretty well pleased with that and so was I. This seems to have extended to labeling as well and really I was not disturbed by that.


This might have turned out better if my uncertainty didn't get the better of me. In a sea of labels and corresponding actions, I now no longer belonged. Words became just words, cheap and easy things to say, even if heartfelt. Because now I had made it so that the expressions of everything between us led to...nothing. That was not what I hoped for and it was innocently unintentional. I was unhappy with the consequences of my actions. I had neglected to remember that no decision is a decision. I mired myself and first love in this place and I felt trapped by myself.

Here's the thing, I love him deeply, but repeating it for a few months to absolutely no decisions and no actions makes it feel a little much. I am far too much of a cattail in the breeze to feel secure for months without anything whatsoever to point to to reassure myself that I am in a two person relationship rather than standing alone. He is demonstrative, but not very which leaves me alone, insecure, and fighting myself over my own action ban. I literally striped from our relationship what I need to feel secure. What a mess!

Add to this my darling habit of externalizing and now he isn't sure either. Well, of course no one can be sure anymore since we are so adamantly miring ourselves in one place and time for the next couple of months. And I am externalizing every avenue we could go down without choosing any one anything. Confusion is going to reign.

Then there is that terrible little voice that has been trying to be heard that says that first love will break my heart, again. So I say to it, well then it will be the last time and lay out my juvenile ultimatum to him. Here's what is true, I am unwilling to put myself out there without a chance of success. And do I have a chance now? Maybe. If I fail, will I have the wherewithal to try again? I don't know if I want to have it and I don't know if I should have it and I am afraid maybe I won't have it. And, oh yeah, now there is nothing for me to point out to myself as concrete actions he is taking to incorporate me into his life, well not many.

What I know of is that he has discussed something about me with one of his partners, that he's tried to make space for me in his religious life, and that he still occasionally seems really into me. But in the wake of all the confusion, I have been threatened myself by him very much wanting to meet me as a lover and finding that perhaps I am more comfortable with meeting him as a stranger or friend. Yeah, I know, WTF. I mean you could make a great case that a bunch of what I really want from first love can be found on the table, countertops, bed and floor rolling around wildly and that none of it would be considered how anyone should be interacting with a stranger or just a friend! I know, I know and you would not be wrong. Except I have never actually consummated with him before. I am red-faced to admit that I am kind of unsure overall if I feel confident enough to go there with him. So yes, I am 37, not 16 and there is a down tick in my self-assuredness that is inversely correlated to how little I am wearing. Fully dressed, I know I could be myself, my flirty, charming, loving self, but naked, I don't think they have a word for the feeling I have of intense longing, nagging self doubt, pride in what I have become and trepidation in how different I look now. I have soft-pedaled the hell out of the downsides because, at my age and after the life I have lived, I am actually still insecure when it comes to him. Because he matters and getting even lightly rejected by him, say if we aren't sexually compatible would not be okay, and I would want to duck out and try to repair my wounded ego. So the idea of being in no bedroom with him as a friend after all the hope and build up, yeah, I don't want to go there in my imagination. And I definitely don't want to have to label that!

So yeah, I righteously f*cked this up trying to be nice, loving and myself. Anyone got a label for that?





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