rainy

My heart in a knot
2017-04-07 12:56:42 (UTC)

Oh the wait

Well, I'm here, I'm still here.... the stress has still been getting to me but I'm finding that my coping abilities have increased over the years and of course that with time all things get better. I felt like I was going to faint a little today and the stress is messing with my health... I'm going to write about that as well as the lesson that I've learned from this experience... I think overall that this experience will help shape me for the future, but for right now things just seem so damaging that I'm not sure when I'll start to feel recovered. I'm going to go to the store in a while to pick up some veggies and herbs to see if I can reduce my stress levels and get back to a normal state. I think one of the reasons I crashed in the first place was because I had gotten off from my diet and started eating cookies and other sweets... and of course pasta.... well... now I know. I think what I really need is some type of balance... like I think it's ok for me to eat those things however it must be in moderation.


So yea... right now my stress level is about 80% out of 100.... the day before it was like 150... I'll have to check my blood pressure when I get home to make sure that's still good. But I have high hopes that the green juice will help straighten things out. As far as other things are concerned I'm working on it... and it seems like I've done more in these last 2 days than I've done in months... I think that it's just the stress and anxiety that is causing me to want to do things...improve... and just be outside. Today unfortunately is a cooler day than the last few days that we have been having, I could really use some warmth right now... I'm going to get things together one day I know I will.

I was sitting here considering going to the store to get some new headphones so that I can listen to ASMR and hopefully relax a little, the thing is that I don't want to waste any money plus I technically have headphones but they are the ones that stick in your ears and are uncomfortable, I'm considering the ones that go over your ears and the place I'm thinking about has some that are cheap (like $5) but I worry they may eventually go bad easily... but who knows maybe I will run down there just to see... the dollar store also has headphones but they are the ones that also go into the ear and are uncomfortable... oh well, I guess I'll make a decision when I leave here, I'm feeling anxious about things and don't want to make any wrong decisions.


Right now I'm just going to work on relaxing... I'm in a hot spot and even though I know that things will get better everything still seems so down right now... I just feel like I need to go and do something wild to help me feel something..... just writing that reminded me of when I was in a public bathroom a few weeks ago and there was a woman and her kid in there and the kid was trying to read something and it was one of those inspirational quotes that said, "You only live once, so live!" and the kid didn't understand what it meant and the woman was trying to explain it...basically she was saying you only have one life so you should enjoy it... I've been focusing on doing that more often but sometimes I let stressful times like these get in the way.... but I'm going to recover and I'm going to use this as my fire to do something better...


I need to come back and write at a time that I feel more up to it... I feel like I haven't even fully explained what I'm so stressed about, but I will.... I will....


I'm out.




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