Screened In Porch

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2017-04-01 00:36:28 (UTC)

Friday mention

Sometimes I regret ever having a facebook account. I also regret ever making the decision to add people to my friends list who are biologicals whom I have never met nor ever will. I have talked about all that here. I just do not feel it. How could I feel it? I do not. Maybe it is from the major abandonment issues from being practically given away to the state with the possibility of getting us back if they straightened up....which they did not. Instead however, all three of the oldest made their way back and stayed with our mother till the day she died. Well, the boys did. The older sister raised her family close by I guess. Her daughters were dating older men and pregnant at 15 and married with a family shortly after never finishing school. Her sons were in and out of jail. All that may have changed by now, but I was not around any of them during that time and do not know them at all. I do know that when I have conversations with any of them, they do not speak well, and do not appear to be very intelligent. Her oldest daughter post photos of racist bullshit and clips of them cussing and saying things I absolutely want nothing to do with. I decided many years ago that I would stay away from all that and raise my kids the way I wanted. I made sure they were educated, responsible, and respected. They are. Grandkids too. So, why mess with it now? Not gonna. Decided that too. I told my sister when she hunted me down and finally found me this last time.....that I will talk to her on the phone, but my children and family know nothing about any of this and they will not be partaking in any get togethers or discussions. She seemed to understand.

But I also told her I did not want to talk about our biological mother whom she named her youngest daughter after....I do not feel the same. The woman is dead now. I did not want anything to do with her. It would have suited me fine to keep it that way with the rest of them too. I been running from it. It bothers me. It should bother me.

Anyway I added a cousin too...who also does not seem to be very educated. Talks like a hillbilly. I swear. Probably with good intentions...praying and asking for prayers all the time. I do not put my stuff on Facebook. I do not ask for prayers. If I need prayer, I will pray....and I have people that will pray for me if I need them too that will not discuss it on facebook. Anyway...this cousin posted that she had two cousins who had heart attacks this week. One being my sister. The other being a cousin with the same name as me. Well, the name I changed legally to something else because I could not stand to hear it said. And I checked her page...and she has a cousin on there with the same name as my little brother....who in the hell names their kids the same as kids in the family that have been taken by social services and are never coming back? Who? Were these people born to replace us? Did they have some of our stuff with our damn names on it that they could just hand down to these new people in the family with our names? Did hearing these people called by our names ease the guilt if there were any of us no longer being there. It was as if we had fucking died? Fuck this shit.

I are saying...why have you not called about your sister? Well, I do not know anyone's number but hers. If someone had wanted to call me, they would have by now. And if she dies, I am hoping that I can lay this past thing to rest and never have to be concerned about any of these people bothering me again. I do not want involved. I never did. I was one of the people on those Reunion shows that did not want a damn reunion. LEAVE ME ALONE!

Why can they not just leave me alone? I feel like a piece of shit for feeling this way. But I am only being honest.
Hell, if I had been trying to get in touch with her....all these years and she said or behaved as though she wanted no part of it, I would have taken the hint...I would have left her and her family alone. But she has been relentless. I have changed my name, my addresses, my phone numbers...GOD, it is not like I have not tried.

But I am in business now. I have to keep a phone number. I have too. I just wish this would finally end.
Hell, I thought I was having a heart attack last night. Seriously.
All these people are on my mothers side of the family.

It seems my dads side feel about the same way I do and I am okay with that. I want nothing to do with any of it.