rainy

My heart in a knot
2017-03-30 17:40:59 (UTC)

The're surviving

So I was at the library and wanted to come and write, I'm finally starting to feel a little less stressed although I wish this library had a better set up because I can't charge all of my things while I'm writing this so it's a little of a inconvenience.


Either way I have a lot I want to write about as far as what has been going on, it's really the only little peace I can have right now during this trying time but writing always helps me cope. I'm currently still without power at home but it really isn't the end of the world, I have a roof over my head and that's what most important. This situation has given me new coping skills already and I'm learning how to adapt. Today I took a shower at a fitness center, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and I would even say it was pretty nice, however, it is no replacement for an at home shower, but at least it was warm and I felt safe. I'll write more about the power issue later, I have something else I want to write about.


So at this job I'm currently at I'm surrounded my young people who have achieved so much more than me, they make me feel so inferior. I looked a few of them up on social media and found some of their accomplishments.... of course not everything that glitters is gold, although they look like they might be the top members of society there really is no telling how much of where they are in life is the result of an unfair gain or privilege by their parents or monetary influence. I've been completely down at that job as well, I'm dealing with a struggle I don't fully understand... this city that I'm working in is full of highly educated people, some republic, some democrat.... some of them are wildly religious.... but the point is that they are educated and fairly wealthy. It's like a huge jump from what I'm use to seeing, I fail to realize the difference in the people where I've grown up and the people in other places. When I see these people and how well spoken, well dressed, and educated they are I can't help but to feel like they see me in a completely negative light, it hit me as soon as I had met them and I didn't know how to respond to the feeling. It only made me wish I had grown up the way they have grown up, they've had so many privileges and experiences that I've never had... but not just me... but so many other people.. even now I'm in a kind of negative space and I don't know how to find success when everyone around me is doing bad. Maybe this is what has helped these people succeed.... they've grown up around successful people and in turn it created their success, maybe they are entitled to that success even if they didn't work for it. I feel like I'm trapped in some type of cage. All these people I'm talking about are younger than me, some only by a few years, but they have good jobs where they are able to make enough money and are responsible. They communicate well and seem generally happy but you never know. They definitely have more than me... but I can't focus on that.


I think because of my diet and other things that have been bothering me I've been suffering with a relapse in my health, it's not bad but I need to go on a cleanse, I think some lemon and water for a few mornings will be helpful..... only thing is that this job still hasn't paid me...... we are supposed to get paid 2 times a month but they haven't paid me... it's annoying because I feel certain that my co workers are getting paid on time.... it's so annoying that I just can't stand it, I would hate to have to go through the process of getting them to pay me through the law because that's going to be an extra headache....

I'm still putting in job applications in other areas though, I don't know yet what I'll end up doing but I'm hoping that it will pay well and enrich my life in some way. I just wish I had the same potential as these other people at my job... by the way... these people aren't even really at my job, they just work at a place I go to but I work around them, and I observe them and their behavior/mannerism. I said I would write about them but I really know only a few small details... for instance there's Lilly- she looks like the all-american girl who has had nothing but positive experiences in her life, she's well spoken, well dressed and could sell you a bag of trash. I'd even aspire to be like her but I can't even begin to fathom having the potential to somehow mirror her.... I think Ms. M would have liked her... I can only say I think because lilly although is all-american is a little different. Ms. M was such a catalog woman. Either way I'm going to try to mirror her..... I always try to learn something from others if I can....

Well- I'll actually have to continue writing about the rest of them another time, right now it's getting late and I need to be heading home. I had expected my sister to have the power turned on by now, even if she had to borrow money from someone like she usually does. But I guess because she never paid them what she owes them she has to first pay that back, plus interest, plus a higher deposit because she is a risk because she doesn't pay anything on time, maybe I sound negative, but it holds truth. I'm working on trying to be a bit more positive, I wonder what lilly would say about the way my sister is..... I wonder if she and I could ever be people who get along or maybe we're too different.


Well- Maybe I can come and write again tomorrow, I still need to charge my camera battery.


Until then...




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