Wr1tt3n0ne

Bunches and bunches
2017-03-30 13:39:14 (UTC)

Following Threads into Black Places

I built myself up on the idea that I am a tough survivor and as such I was never "touched." I wish that with all my heart was just fact. Over the years I have had little comfort from this, but some. Letting go of needing this to be true, (it was how I could function) is going to be awful. It isn't just a suspicion, there were prosecuted child molesters in my family. A bunch of us are not normal because of this. I desperately wanted to believe I got away. I was so long invested in this concept, that it became a place where I could start from.


I got really, really good at forgetting. That was how I lived through it, erasing my memories, and filling them in with the happy families from TV. I have had a profound love for TV families. So safe! TV was such a mechanism for seeing someplace better. Life was this terrible, terrifying place. I worked so hard to earn my way out of the abuse. Always trying to be good enough to not be hit, make them mad, and always failing. I would have done anything to be loved. Instead, what I grew up with was that mess of all kinds of abuse and no way out.

Coming "home" each day was the worst part of my day, besides waking up to have deal with it all again for another day. I tried like hell to keep my head down, be good, be perfect, be vigilant, and be worthy of their love. There was NO way to do this and I failed utterly. I believed I was being abused because they had to do it out of love for me. I was "making" them have to hit me, have to take me down a notch, teach me my place. I internalized the person that this told me I was.

I had the explosive temper, too. I was willing to hit and harm and tear down others because "I loved them." It was disgusting, how could I not hate myself for becoming what they told me I was. I was worthless. I genuinely felt unworthy of anyone's love. I became a chameleon to deal with others. I was whoever they wanted me to be. Over and over, I transformed my outside to fit other's definitions of the perfect student, child, teenager, girlfriend, lover, whatever they wanted because I felt less than human and less than entitled to be myself. I just wanted to be loved but I had no mechanism to accept such a thing and never let anyone get close enough to love me. I was always afraid they would see how ugly I was up close. I walled off my emotions, went through the daily denial of being okay when I was not even anywhere near that.

Holding on by a thread and trying to pretend that all the effects weren't true, weren't really happening, and were fine. All those times they gas lit me and I gas lit myself and others into this phony place of "happy."

Now I want to be happy, to be a better person and to be real, authentic and be actually okay and able to love. I have to heal. So I go back to the spaces and times in my childhood that aren't right and terrify me and I go to accept whatever happened. I am going to be okay, these dark places can't be allowed to hide and lead me to ruin. I am more than my abuse. I am loved. I am worthy. I am strong enough. I can be better and I will be better. I will not let this past drag my future down. So into the darkness I go.




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