TM49

My History Of Familial Incest
2017-03-27 15:59:28 (UTC)

Fear

I think sometimes at the core of me I am a fearful person. It's not to be unexpected given my life circumstances. Sometimes I think I put on being tougher than what I am to the point of fooling myself. This is different than having strength. I am a mentally strong, adaptable person. I can take almost anything thrown at me (though the less negative the better.) The fear is something else. It is often vague and unformed, just a shadowy blob filled with ideas I can't really put together. It can be fear over senseless things to fears of the future and even at times afraid to let myself be happy. I benefit being around people who are positive towards life. Not in a sappy fake way with inspirational quotes, but people who chose to try and life their life more positively BECAUSE they have experienced the harder. It takes a lot of work to make that switch and the past couple years I've been doing it little by little. I struggle with myself and sometimes let those fears talk me into a bad place.
This isn't to say that some things I fear don't have some merit. They aren't ALL unknowns from a neurotic mind but to be afraid over some of them is simply a childish control issue. Most I cannot control and some I can. If I do any sorting of them I have to focus on the ones I can resolve instead of letting that shadowy blob grow into a mountain.
Fear is expressed inwardly and outwardly as worry. The two are often interchangeable. Some people use drugs, alcohol or other addictions to mask it, and chronic worry might even be an addiction of sorts. People don't set out to have fear (worry) but circumstances and childhood influences play a role. My mother is a worrier of the extreme type and always has been. As she ages it has become more apparent. I am sure her behavior affected my own earlier on. Yet you put my mom in the right environment (such as going on vacation or spending time at the ocean and she is entirely different.) The happier we are the more positive we feel and the less we worry. This is true of myself as well.
Simply telling someone to stop worrying is pointless (even if meant well.) the best way to mitigate their worry if you truly want to is to be a positive person in their life or help them find ways of finding more positivity. True fears are different and need to be addressed differently. Almost everything in the world follows a circle. As it rotates we can see how one thing affects the other to the other, and the other again. This interests me and I am sure I will end spending copious amounts of time thinking on it. :)
-TM




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