Tina

Resisting Gravity
2017-03-27 10:30:03 (UTC)

Controling my Addict self

I have to be careful with how I tell my story. I want it all out there and I want to be completely honest about all of it in case this connects with someone else out there struggling with something similar. And I want to look back and see how far I've come.

I have to constantly ask myself what purpose this all serves for me... why write the things I write. My addiction is like a devil on one shoulder... it's always lurking, always trying to come out and play under disguise. When I wrote about Ben yesterday, I immersed myself in the memory. My addict self really enjoyed it but my recovering self wasn't so sure. Did I have to go into so much detail? I'm thinking... yes...and no.... yes because it would best explain where I was coming from and my state of mind. I was hoping to convey how innocent and naive i was at the start and how that turned so suddenly and unexpectedly. I wanted to give a good foundation for the months that followed. It was easy to remember all the details of THAT moment... that "high" I call it. There was more to the story and I didn't go into the progression of those encounters and enjoying additional highs because I didn't feel it was necessarily relevant. And I held back a little because I could feel a lot of it again and I think it maybe wasn't the best thing for me. It triggered me pretty badly yesterday and I found myself obsessing over the memory and unable to think of anything else the rest of the night. I felt down. Going forward, I may have to tone it down or take it a little slower in giving a lot of my history.

I feel good today... I'm OK. I just have to tread lightly as I don't want to wake the addiction beast. I always say 2008 changed me forever. I can never go back to who I was but I can take all of this and become stronger from it. I'm a different person today and I strive to improve all the time. i'm hoping this is the right way to do it. i don't want to fall backwards.




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