Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2017-03-16 19:43:11 (UTC)

I'm Learning To Let It Pass

I can't recall a moment in the recent past where I've felt as angry, frustrated, upset, betrayed, or overwhelmed as I'm feeling right now... I'm in the middle of doing our taxes. What I thought was going to be simple enough has ended up taking 3 hours, and I'm still not done. I have to wait until I get paid to pay for it. 15 minutes until the direct deposit hits my account. That should tell you how well our financial situation is going. And doing taxes didn't help the way I feel about any of that.


Seeing that I made $3,000 more last year than in 2015, but my husband made $8,000 LESS is infuriating. The fact that he only had $50 of federal tax deducted from the $6,000 he made at Trader Joe's (so $2,300 came out of my return) is also infuriating. Especially since I told him about the discrepancy on his W4 last year when I did our taxes. On top of that, he didn't even bring home his W2 from this job. He told me all the paperwork I needed was on his desk... what he didn't tell me was that there was also 3 years worth of cable, internet, electric, and garbage bills pilled up that he hasn't opened or has opened, but tossed back on the pile.

Something else I discovered: why his VA benefits stopped. They didn't just magically stop for reasons unknown to anybody. They were garnished to pay back a debt. It wasn't even his fault, so I'm not sure why he decided not to tell me about it. Or why when I asked he basically lied to me. Along with all the old bill statements, there were also dozens of letters from the VA. Most unopened. So, I broke the law and opened them. One after another they detailed how he owed $400 overpaid tuition or $300 for overpayment of books and supplies, $200 for living stipend, etc. etc. So, they overpaid him. Every month for the past two years. And they clearly stated that his benefits would be garnished until the debt was paid back unless he petitioned for forgiveness of the debt or for a lower garnishment. He did neither. Other than his inaction, the situation isn't inherently his fault. It's just a shitty situation... so why didn't he tell me? Why did he lie? Why has he continued to lie even after I've probed him several times about his inaction in dealing with the VA. He hasn't acted, because he knew why his disability had been taken away. I wouldn't have been mad had he told me when he found out. But here we ware 5 months later, and he's still lying to me. Mostly by omission, but straight to my face, too.

On top of this mess, I also found a statement for a Kay Jewelers credit card/charge account. I knew there was a reason he's been giving me gifts of jewelry lately. We can barely afford food and rent, but he can put cheap jewelry I never wanted nor asked for on credit? Why?! Why is he making such consistently bad choices all the time?! It's become his yearly tradition to make a fuck-up so monumental that it shakes the very foundation of our marriage. I love him, and I can't imagine being with anyone else... but he makes me fantasize about being alone.

If we hadn't filed our taxes jointly, I'd be getting back a little over $10,000. He'd owe $2,300 and it was the same story last year. Our marriage has never been about money. When I met him he wasn't making more than $1,800/month, but that was 15 years ago, and with the steady decline in his ability to support our family, it's got me wondering if I should financially cut ties with him... and the only way to do that when you're married is to divorce. It also makes me wonder if my love for him is really more of an attachment due to familiarity. He's familiar and comfortable. There isn't someone else. I don't want to marry another man, or even be in a relationship with someone else. I want to be alone. I'm sick of making concessions for him when he makes none for me. I'm tired of fixing his mistakes. I'm tired of being in a marriage where there's little to no reciprocity. Fuck, I can't even get him to fill my water bottle when he's on his way to the kitchen anyway. He says he loves me, but I wonder if he loves having someone there to take care of him? If I tried having this conversation with him, he'd clam up and say nothing.

Now that I've gotten this all out, I feel so much better. I feel like I've gotten back to the place of peace and calm I've been working so hard to reach. As I was driving today, I took a moment to really reflect on how peaceful I've felt over the past few weeks. I don't want to lose that.

I drove up to Port Townsend almost entirely to work on Practicing Happiness at Better Living Through Coffee. I hadn't been there in a while. Well, I went to buy a couple packages of my favorite incense too... and I might have picked up a new gemstone (Mookaite - a beautiful burgundy Australian Jasper). I don't feel the least bit bad about spending $20 on myself. I deserved it. I deserve more, but I'm the responsible one. Let it go Jennifer, let it go...

While I was sitting in Better Living Through Coffee. I took in all the people around me (it was a busy day). There was no judgment or negativity involved. I simply observed. That's huge for me, because I can be a pretty judgy person. One of the lessons Practicing Happiness has taught me is how to observe people and situations in life as passengers on a bus, coming and going at will... or as guests in a bed and breakfast. Each different and unique, capable of bringing either positivity or negativity to my life. It's entirely up to me whether I engage that energy, or let it pass. I'm learning to let it pass.




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