Screened In Porch

Life in general
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2017-03-11 15:50:30 (UTC)

Aching mind and soul

I am sick to my soul, my heart and all other things this morning. Learning that he is dead has took its toll on me.

I have been thinking about that part of my life recently, doing some soul searching wishing like hell I had done some things differently. We all learn these little things in life and sometime, well, most of them it is way too late. We can not go back in time. And it is not about what some of them may think of me for the way I behaved then, all that is on me, it is not about me. I need to learn more from that and realize that sometimes in life we do meet people who bring something to us. What we do with it is on us. He was something else. Just a bit too young for me. I want to say too young at the time. But he is too young for me at any time. I should have known better. Some men will lie about things like that. They will say they are older if they feel they have a chance. Some men will do that and more. Some of them do not care if you are married or have a man in your life. He was not like any of that. He talked about it in depth. He told me up front he could not rescue me. So, there were no expectations from either of us. I think he was broken at the time as much as me. We were both broken, confused and we gave one another comfort. It was not sexual. It was something else. Something like the wise inside of us coming out just when it was needed to help the other through another day allowing us both to know there was so much more waiting on us. Maybe not together, but waiting.

He was so sure he wanted to have a family. I could not give him that. My having babies days were over. He knew that. But he wished just like I did that was not the case. He asked me to leave. That is when I knew I had let this go on too long. I knew I had to do something or say something to make the entire thing go away. There was nothing in my life that was worthy of taking away his future to some little kids that could be with someone else, but I knew it would never be me. So, I backed off. I showed off...showed up...made myself look like the worse thing on this side of the Appalachian Mountains. Sure it would hurt a little. A sting to the heart. A disappointment. But a trigger to send him in another direction. And leaving me behind to pick up what was left and to manage the mess I had made.

That day I saw him walking out of there with that girl, I knew. She was the one. With those eyes of hers and his good looks, they would make lovely children. I had been noticing her too for a while. She was not a tramp for real. She was a struggling single parent. And some said she was a "dancer". People gonna talk about you no matter what you do or what you are. I learned a long time ago that listening to that shit, those nasty words that stunk to high heaven would teach me nothing about someone. Years later when they had actually started that family, I learned that she speaks two languages, she had a college degree and made lots of cash as a bartender. Very tall, good looking herself and seemed to be a strong woman. I was happy about all that. And after seeing the emptiness inside her before they started going out, I knew that she would treat him well. She would appreciate a man like him. He had a warm heart, loved animals, he was creative, and loved being around the little ones.

He was a wonderful dad, and a wonderful husband, and a wonderful person.

I knew something was wrong. I never would have thought he was dead. Gone for good.

I am grateful for that small amount of time we had. I am even more grateful he finally had someone in his life to be the partner he really needed. A love story that did not last long enough.

Sometimes life is just sad.

So thinking about nothing else but wishing I was suddenly rich as hell so I could help her by paying off their house and setting up college trust funds for all the kids and a trust fund for her so she can stay home if she wants too or go back to college. I know she probably would remember me so if I were to win the lottery or something like that and was able to help her I would have to do it through an attorney and do it anonymously. But I would.

My husband woke up with his ear stuffed shut with wax. He could not even hear. So, I went downtown to stock up on ear drops and kits to take care of that. I was able to locate one of those things like a Q-tip that you twist. He is set. I stopped to pick up a couple 20 dollar scratch off tickets too. I just knew I was gonna win something. Spent 20. I made 100 on one, so I can go back and cash it in, get my 40 back and get three more. How about that?

Wish me luck.
This is for you John. I will help your family if I win enough...and that is a promise from the deepest parts of my heart.