Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2017-03-09 15:04:09 (UTC)

Self-Criticism (I Can't Even Hear It Anymore)

After realizing (well, re-realizing since I knew, but had somehow forgotten) how great of a resource the library can be, I chose to come back again today (alone) to work on Practicing Happiness and to write. Now if the library would just put in a coffee shop and more seating next to the fireplace, that would be fantastic. Until that dream comes true, I'm currently parked in Adult Biographies with copies of Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Ben Carson's lives looking back at me. Which of course reminded me of the Insta-battle I had with that conservative last night. A female, Hispanic, Trump supporter... let that sink in. I will never understand why she's for him, but then again that isn't for me to understand...


Thinking back on that conversation from last night brought up some emotions that I've tried to avoid. In fact, the same emotions that led me to leave Facebook (which I still think was a sound decision on my part). The emotions brought up were two-fold: hurt feelings when others don't think/feel the same as I do (not to be mistaken for the need for them to think like me. Just feelings of hurt and disappointment when they can't see the harm their ideology inflicts on others. I don't think there's anything positive that can come from racism, so why should I be tolerant of those types of individuals? Beyond accepting that we're all different and entitled to those differences, I don't think I am obligated to accept their views) and then the need to compartmentalize negative criticism from strangers. Like, the female, Hispanic Trump supporter calling ME delusional for not supporting him. How do you support someone who doesn't respect multiple facets of your existence? I don't know, but I suspect I'm not the delusional one here. Somehow I have to be less sensitive about the criticism from people who know nothing about me, my life, what I've been through, what I've overcome, or just about anything else other than what my profile picture looks like and what memes I post. I'm down to one social media outlet and I still struggle with remembering that the individuals I encounter online speak nothing about my character, but everything about their own.

I finished Chapter 6 in Practicing Happiness. It was the longest chapter and the last in Part 2 of the book. Self-Criticism. The irony being, at the beginning of the chapter I scored fairly low on the Self-Test (10 points out of a possible 20, with anything over 14 showing strong propensity for damaging self-criticism). Even though I didn't score in the "danger zone", I still found a lot of similarities between myself and the characters in the little stories the book tells. I finally reached a place where it said that often we self-criticize so much, and for so long, we no longer hear ourselves doing it, and may not even realize it's happening. That's where I'm at, and it only gets worse if you've had a history of abuse or an emotionally damaging family dynamic. Check and check.

*Emotional eating/binge eating/eating disorders
*PTSD (when self-criticism is accompanied by or caused by an abusive home environment or a traumatic accident or situation)
*Unexplained depressive episodes/deepening depression
*Anxiety/irrational fear
*Shame/feelings of guilt about past experiences

These are just a few of the symptoms of persistent self-criticism. Me in a nutshell...

I had an epiphany in that moment. Something no therapist has come right out and told me in the past. In 15 years and multiple types of therapies: my suffering is directly related to negative self-talk and self-criticism. Yes, the abuse was bad. Damaging in it's own right. But I think the self-criticism I've subjected myself to (mostly unknowingly) has done equally as much - if not more - damage! I need to find a way to finally tune myself back into it, so that I can realize when it happens. I can't even hear it anymore. I'm going to really attempt to incorporate some of the exercises into day to day life. Like, envisioning negative self-talk as passengers on the bus. Coming and going. Acknowledging them as they pass, but not focusing on them.

I'm starved for a good hike. The weather hasn't been cooperating lately. My days off have exactly coincided with the days of heaviest rain. Not just light sprinkles, but torrential rains. Widespread storms that cover all of Western Washington. There's nowhere in decently close driving distance where it isn't raining. Boo. So, I'm grappling with whether I want to go to the gym, or if I'm just going to step it out at home. It's 3:30pm now. I still have some time to get in a decent step count before heading home to cook dinner. I should do that. I should go to the gym. Even though I don't want to now, that could change when I get there. Wouldn't be the first time that's happened...




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