Screened In Porch

Life in general
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2017-03-07 06:20:00 (UTC)

After midnight...

This day was a waste. I felt tired and restless today. It was weird being here tonight without him sticking his head in here checking on me or asking me if I need anything...or him cooking dinner. I hope he is having a good night at work. 12 hours are hard to pull even for the younger men. I am going to attempt having a better day tomorrow and make efforts toward getting some things done.
He wants me to call the doctor and get down there to check on what is goin on with my skin. I am thinking about just doing that.
GOD, what if it is something gross like head lice or something? What if it is skin cancer? Hmmmm I guess I live with being ashamed of something like head lice rather that than something like cancer. I know I do not have bed bugs. I have used stuff for head lice just in case.
It changes nothing so that tells me that is not it. I am sick of it though.
I think if I can get this under control, I won't be so jittery all the time and dreading going anywhere. I seriously do not want anyone to touch me. I avoided the funeral a few weeks ago. I knew every one would be hugging......and holding onto me a while. I just can not risk causing someone else to get this crap. Hoping to get answers soon. daughter has not called in two weeks. Last couple times we spoke, I called her. She still has not sent me copies of some contracts that she says she has in place. I am required to have that stuff in case I get audited. She just is not very responsible. I do think she hates me.
Her behavior causes me to reflect. I tried to be a good mother. I made a lot of mistakes. Some I wish I could change.
I hate I made mistakes. But I had no one to guide me. No one to copy or learn from. I was on my own. She on the other hand had lots of experiences and I did guide her. I did make sure she had a lot. She does not realize this. I am sure. I am not going to tell her. I just wish she would stop treating me like I kicked her out of the house or sold her to men or beat her. I did none of that.