Lenne

Welcome to My World
2017-03-07 08:02:27 (UTC)

Where our childhood went?

While reading comics about Nemi I thought that maybe there is a reason to be more like a child and less like grown-up woman with lots of responsibilities. I always tried to be like that: grown up, speaking about taking responsibilities, controlling my own life, being in depended, taking care of dearest people like grown-ups do… By living this way I got so many different, important, expensive things to my life which are not interesting for me and which are not the Main things actually. Have you ever thought about all that? I want to be less grown-up, really, I want to think less about all that stuff filled my life, eating my time and brain and strength, I want my time and life and freedom back, I want to be teen-girl again, studding dance R’n’B, German and walking for all days long without feeling tired and hungry, I want to eat French fries with chips and cheese with bear without thinking about my weight and actually without anything happens with it, I want my friends back to me… no responsibilities, no those huge problems, all my life is ahead… Where is this time? How I happened to be like I am now? I’m boring, my life is boring, hard, expensive… I’m visiting museums I don’t want to visit just to be, you know, smart, inelegant. What for? Whom for?

What I’ve done to myself…

Where all those thought came from? When I was 14 I kept on telling that I won’t be married till 25 for sure. I didn’t want to have kids. Now I’m 26 and I’m searching for a man because all my friends already married or have long-term relations and I’m calculating time I have to become Mom. I’m buying products in the supermarket not for me, I’m choosing not the ones I want, but the ones which suits everyone else, or are for health. I’m spending money for the tickets to the museum I don’t want to visit, wasting my time there, just to have something to say, something smart girl would say.

I can’t calculate all those things. This is a mask. Do you know how I imagine myself for last few years? I have elfish ears, huge tattoo on my back – wings of a dragon, one more on my left leg – a smack around it, and more on both my arms – pentacles, like Constantine had. I’m drinking bear in the bar every day and all the people around me are goths, punks and rockers. And this mask… it is a part of me. I can feel that if I’d try to put it off, my scalp will go off together with it, it will be surprise if my tongue and eyes will stay safe.

And here I am. Now I know for sure that I don’t want to be a secretary…




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