rainy

My heart in a knot
2017-03-04 05:59:25 (UTC)

Really upset...

I'm upset... for many different reasons. I'm upset about this job I'm in, I'm upset because my sister has been in her room all night (it's 6am) playing video games, talking on the phone and being loud (I just scheduled for the power to be shut off at the end of the month), she runs up the electricity bill but doesn't pay it and won't go out to get a job... just sits at home being lazy/dirty and won't do anything at all (she won't even get her mail out the mail box)..... and lastly I'm upset because I still think about everything that happened with Ms. M.... I keep trying to reason it but then I just feel like it's pointless because she saw me a certain way and the things she said.... even if she was frustrated with me (and I'm sure she was) she still could have gone about the situation differently. My problem was that I didn't even realize how sick I was, but most importantly I still didn't know what I needed to get better.

This current job I'm at is a complete nightmare, and I hate to complain about the jobs I've held because even I realize that I come here a lot and complain about each job.... even when I try to find the positive aspects of it, they are often overshadowed by the negative aspects that I just can't get over. Right now I'm very unhappy at this job and it's starting to show, it's also effecting my work. The operations at this job is a nightmare, they make so many mistakes and I can tell there is some corruption going on. I've already refused extra hours many times since the last time they trapped me into getting "extra hours", my direct supervisor made so many mistakes, I had done every thing correctly then she sends me an email telling me that it was wrong, I knew it wasn't but I did it how she told me to, then she emails me again telling me that she was wrong and to put it back the way it was..... and now she is telling me to change it again!!! but the way she is telling me to change it means that I won't get paid fully for the work I did!! it's very frustrating that's why I am refusing all extra work they have, I don't like the current work I'm doing and I'm trying to find a way out of it. I don't want to just quit though, that will look bad on my work history, so I feel stuck and I don't know how to make it to the 90 days.... so far I've been there for 32 days and I already hate it, oh and I forgot to mention they haven't been paying me on time.... if they don't pay me on time this month then I'm going to have to contact their HR department and complain.... maybe my complaint will help me get out of this job.


Besides work, I really can't stress how upset I am with my sister.... I scheduled for the power to be turned off and she will need to get it put in her name if she wants to sit around being lazy all day playing video games, I just don't understand how we turned out so different despite growing up together. I have to admit my personality has always been very stern compared to hers. My problem is that I wasn't raised with high expectations to become something like a doctor, engineer, scientist or the like. Some people believe that intelligence is innate and I believe this as well but I highly stress the environment that the child grows up in and every small detail that is often over looked.... and most importantly health and diet play a major role, including maternal health that is passed on to the child. The thing about me is that even as a child I had a very strong interest in science and engineering but it was never encouraged and I didn't have the environment/tools/guidance that I needed so that I could be successful today.


I really don't think some people realize how important life events are in nurturing and producing a well rounded adult. This is the reason why I don't expect much from some people who have lived their entire lives being abused and living in poverty, in my opinion you cannot just expect someone to rebound from such a difficult start in life and become well adjusted people... some people do, but not all.


From what I knew about Ms. M she had come from a negative start but the projection of her life changed when she was adopted, this can almost be said about me even though I didn't get adopted into the same type of family that Ms. M was adopted into which is the reason why we are different today. I also believe that Ms. M has a genetic advantage over me, most likely due to maternal health as well as a cleaner environment that she had to grow up in.


I think what really has me thinking about all of this and comparing myself to Ms. M is that I watched the new Ghostbusters movie last night. I rented it from the library, it's the one with the female cast. It was hilarious and I enjoyed it, but the thing that made me upset was the science aspect and how these women were portrayed...I do wish more girls were raised to be scientist but it's not really happening. Even though it was a good movie I would change a few aspects of it. One lady in the film reminded me of Ms. M, she was the mayors spoke person... her personality seemed to match how Ms. M was.... very uptight and professional. I liked her personality even though the way she made me feel was horrible.... that sounds kind of weird but I really do think she and I had some of the same characteristics and values.

The movie also made me grow even more frustrated with my current financial situation, I don't know why I accepted this job even though it pays so little, even while talking to a co-worker the other day she was explaining how they should be paying a lot more but they are cutting corners, that must be why they have such a hard time keeping employees.... so if anything I've already learned about the culture and operations of these type of jobs. For me simply having the exposure I've had so far is all I really need... it's time for me to move on now.




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