Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2017-02-24 01:33:52 (UTC)

Everything I See Is On Fire

Since the day I wrote at Better Living Through Coffee, writing in bed at home isn't as appealing at it used to be... and because of that, I'm finding it easier and easier to miss days. It doesn't help that I'm now sitting in the Poulsbohemian Coffeehouse, feeling very happy and comfortable despite the fact that nothing in my life is going as I wish. A recurring theme in my life, but not one I feel particularly inclined to delve into at the moment. Their wifi isn't letting me connect, but I'm not letting that get to me. I'll just copy and paste this in later. Overcoming small obstacles like that with minimal "whoa is me" is a sure sign that I'm getting a bit stronger. I'm coping with life's uncertainties so much better. Go me!

The past few days have mostly revolved around work. While I'm not feeling as deeply despondent as I once was, that doesn't change the fact that my heart is yearning for something more... something better. By better, I mean something that fulfills me a little more deeply. Something that doesn't make me question the significance of myself, or the mark I'm leaving on the world. So basically, I'm having an existential crisis. I need more. I have for awhile, but usually these feelings are directly linked to unhappiness in my work. Whether it be relationships with coworkers, aggravation with the company, or just the repetition and unchallenging nature of my job in general. Those aspects are mostly okay. Not nearly as pressing as they have been... but the underlying feeling that I'm destined for more is beyond nagging. It's plaguing. And then depression comes along and leaves me with no energy or motivation to do a damn thing about it. I need drive to make changes, and I'm totally on autopilot right now. My life is like a pleasant drive through the countryside, except everything I see is on fire... and I don't have water.

I think Sara and I have reached an understanding, I think. I facilitated a bra certification class yesterday, and she was in it. It's funny how it works, but every newer associate I haven't been able to make a positive connection with, that seems to be rectified in bra certification class. I attribute it to being in close proximity to each other, having discussion, and sharing personal testimonies about customer interactions. Somehow I ended up telling her bits about my childhood and what my stepfather did to me. I don't share that information as often as I used to, and I didn't tell her all the details. So, even after the class portion had ended, she followed me around the store asking questions, like my life is some sort of juicy drama. I understand, though. It is shocking, and in a perverted way (pardon the pun) interesting. As I was leaving she asked to talk to me about it more the next time we work together. I told her that would be okay.

I noticed today she was "liking" my pictures on Instagram. That may seem totally unrelated, but I have a lot of people following me that don't ever interact. They never comment or "like" anything. I'm going to start attributing it to them not actually liking me, but still wanting to be privy to what's going on in my life. This certainly was the case with Sara. I knew to some extent she didn't really like me, but she does now. I wonder if it's because she has a better understanding of how I "tick" or is it pity? I don't want her pity. But there isn't anything I can do if she's feeling that.

Physically, me and my body are getting along really well. I can tell I've lost a little more weight, but I always forget to weight myself. It doesn't seem very important in the grande scheme of things. My pain levels are so good right now. Even the depression seems to be easing. I'm thankful. Very, very thankful. Now if only I could parlay that improvement into some meaningful action!

I'd like to think that isn't wishful thinking. Motivation will come.

UPDATE:
As I'm taking a moment to paste this entry in, I felt the need to share what I accomplished after writing the above: I went for a short hike (close to home, Port Gamble trails, but a new trailhead with lots of new to me trails I feel super excited to explore). Then, I came home and baked a cake (because I've been wanting some chocolate cake). I don't know what came over me, but while waiting for the cake to come out of the oven, I felt the strong desire to be... dare I say... productive! I ended up dusting, vacuuming, and decluttering my bedroom. I also washed my fleece blanket, and cleaned my bathroom. These may not sound like major things, but I've been so unhappy with the state of my bedroom for awhile now, and finally I felt driven enough to actually do something about it! It looks so nice, and I feel a little less overwhelmed. Now, I just need to tackle my closet and the pantry. Getting one major milestone checked off the list is leaving me feeling very optimistic about getting the other two big jobs done!




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