LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2017-02-20 13:21:33 (UTC)

Ebb 'n Flow


"Armchairs" by Andrew Bird

The awkward pause
The fatal flaw
Time, it's a crooked bow
Time's a crooked bow

In time you need to learn, to love
The ebb just like the flow
Grab hold of your bootstraps, and pull like hell
until gravity feels sorry for you, and lets you go
As if you lack the proper chemicals to know
the way it felt the last time you let yourself fall this low

Time's a crooked bow
Time's a crooked bow
Time, it's a crooked bow

Fifty-five and three-eighths years later
At the bottom of a gigantic crater
An armchair calls to you
Yeah, and armchair calls to you
It says, someday, we'll get back at them all
With epoxy and a pair of pliers
As ancient sea slugs begin to crawl
through the ragweed and barbed wire

You didn't write
You didn't call
It didn't cross your mind at all
Through the waves
waves of hay and straw
You couldn't feel a thing at all
Fifty-five and three-eighths
Time
Fifty-five and three-eighths
Time
Time

February 20, 2017 Monday 1:25 PM


At this moment, surrounding me: 15 or 16 papers on Chemo Brain, all highlighted and notated. I read them last month for my research project and haven't touched them since. The book Brain Facts: A Primer on the Brain and Nervous System (by the Society for Neuroscience – ain't that cool?). I'm not sure which edition it is, but it's definitely not the most recent one, because the last chapter should be on neuroethics, and instead it is on potential therapies.

Other things surrounding me: flashcards on different brain stuff, including NMDA (N-methyl-D-aspartate), myasthenia gravis, brain chemicals similar to morphine, the adrenal gland, catecholamines, neuroanatomical terms, agonists and antagonists, androgens, etc. There is also a Toned Tan sketchbook in front of me. I was drawing last night for the first time in a while. I love art. I'm pretty good for how little I practice. I was doing comic-style strips, following the plot line of Albert Camus's "The Stranger." The Stranger is also on my desk, all highlighted and with drawings (by Isaac) in the margins. Oh, and a big book of HP Lovecraft's stories. I've started reading "The Call of Cthulu."

The Stranger is now one of my favorite books of all time. I put it on my list, which is this so far:
The Knife of Never Letting Go by Patrick Ness
Slaughterhouse-five by Kurt Vonnegut
Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger
John Dies at the End by David Wong
When You Reach Me by Rebecca Stead
Lord of the Flies by William Golding
The Tooth Fairy by Graham Joyce
The Stranger by Albert Camus

I also started a list of Words Liv Hates which is only this so far:
raunchy
cylindrical

OH! Liv also recited a poem to me on Thursday, about Isaac, and I fucking love it to death. I love HER to death. Anyway, here it is:

I-saac
A sack of eyes that sees everyone
But no one sees him

I thought it was kind of hilarious, and sadly very true.

I talked on the phone with Liv for about an hour and half last night. She might come over later. But anyway, she told me about all this stupid drama with people in her grade (the stupid part being other people, not Liv), and about how she's going to Junior Prom with Birdy's best friend, the Teddy Bear (I think I called him that, I dunno).

I told Liv that she is pretty much my soul mate. Platonically, I mean. Liv is actually probably the best person I've ever met. She changed me in a way that no one ever has. Without her friendship, I don't think I would have ever applied to the New Visions early college program. If she hadn't told me I was smart enough, I wouldn't have had the guts. If she hadn't been her strange self, I wouldn't have grown into someone less damaged than I was before.

Sorry, I'm getting all sentimental. But it's true. When I first got to know Liv, I hated her because she was scary. And emotional. I thought I'd never be able to properly relate to her, although I did like how easy it was to be around her. But Liv was always saying things that caught me off guard. Sometimes they were nice things, and sometimes they weren't all that nice – they'd make me flustered and/or angry.

We had this text conversation (almost two years ago) in which she said to me, "I feel like we're not friends anymore." I remember feeling very annoyed at that text. All I said was, "Okay." Yesterday, she told me that my text made her cry! And I was on the other side, feeling absolutely furious, but otherwise I was fine.

I still don't know why we even kept talking. Over the summer, I still felt annoyed with her, but we texted pretty constantly. We talked freely about masturbation, which for me was a first. She also called me when she was crying and I tried to comfort her through my irritation. And then I invited her on a hike with my family, and we were best friends from that day on.

Anyway, I'm glad for that. Liv says she still cries over me sometimes. She worries we're going to grow apart or something. I understand this, though. I feel it too. Sometimes I get this feeling that Liv will outgrow me, and I'll have lost the best friend of my fucking life, but we both agreed this was a natural thing to feel and it's fine. Just insecurity and shit.

I told Liv I've been thinking about breaking up with Isaac, and she told me to give it a couple of weeks, but I may not take her advice.

Oh yeah. DRAMA:

I've been thinking about breaking up with Isaac because I'm stupid. Every time we hang out, I'm the one who initiates things. I kissed him last week. I encouraged him to put his hands under my shirt (which felt nice). I can't fucking help it! I lose my mind! I'm not a sexual person, and then suddenly I am! My hands go everywhere, on his chest and ribs and neck and stubble and ears and hair! But as soon as I leave, I feel disgusting and horrible about myself, and I kind of want to just curl up and never touch anyone ever again.

And I still hate that look on Isaac's face. When we're really close to each other, and sometimes even when we're not, his eyes do this thing and he smiles a little bit, kinda just looking at me. It's adoration. He also tells me, "You make me feel like a man." And it makes me want to puke.

I told him we have to talk, and he was like, "Uh-oh." I told him about how I feel gross after I leave him, and he started crying at some point because he didn't want to make me feel that way. I started to get annoyed at this. I said, "Oh my GOD, I've FINE, Isaac. It's not that bad! And it's not like you can do anything about it anyway!"

We ended up talking for, like, two hours. He didn't want to hang up until we worked this out, even though I said, "That's not going to happen, dude."

I want to break up with him. We have established that he's crazy about me and I don't feel quite the same way. I don't like him as intensely as he likes me, and sometimes I don't even feel like we're proper friends. I'm tired of being treated like a girlfriend (even though I am his girlfriend, oops), I'm tired of him saying all these sweet things to me, and I'm tired of feeling like I HAVE to spend time with him.

He said, after bringing up my feeling of SHAME and DISGUST once again, "I wanna kiss your boo-boos... and that's not, like. A word for your snatch..."

I kind of burst out laughing at that, but I'm still a little grossed out by the concept of him "kissing my boo-boos." I told him it's not that simple. I've been trying to tell him that for a while now! I think he has this idea of holding me while I cry like that's gonna make it all better. He wants to take care of me.

Well, I don't like that. I don't want to be taken care of. And him holding me while I cry? He might feel better about what's happening, but I won't. I'm gonna feel shitty as ever.

Isaac sees the world as this awfully dark place, but despite that, he's got some romantic notions, especially when it comes to me. He wants too much. He appreciates "the little things." But I can't give him that consistently because I don't really want to. I can't give him the cute little relationship he wants – 'cause I hate it, and I kind of hate him sometimes too.

The whole conversation actually made me feel a bit like an alien. Here he was, experiencing a roller coaster of emotions, and I was a flat nothing almost the whole time. I didn't feel anything, pretty much. I didn't even feel bad for what I was saying to him. I didn't feel the need to lie, although I withheld some comments that would have been plain rude. It's almost like I wanted to hurt him. I could've hung up, but I didn't because I was interested in the outcome of the conversation. I wanted to see how he'd react to it all.

I know I'm not a sociopath. When I was little, I used to feel horrified at other people's bad experiences, which is why I couldn't get enough of them. I loved watching murder shows and tragedies like the death of the Romanovs, because I couldn't quite wrap my mind around them. I still feel really bad for people's misfortunes sometimes, but in the case of relationship problems, I don't feel much. I mean, it was the same with Liv (although now, it's different because Liv and I are so close). I didn't feel particularly horrible about being a bitch to her. Even now, I'm just kind of fascinated by my ability to do so without any remorse. The same goes for this Isaac thing. I don't really mind being an asshole to him. I think in the end, it's better to just be honest about how I feel, or as honest as I can be. Shouldn't I feel some kind of way, though? Shouldn't I feel crappy for making him feel bad at all????? But I don't. I'm actually quite interested in how shitty he must feel right now. It seems more like an experiment than real life.

"You and your damn logic." That's what he said to me at some point.

He probably didn't sleep well last night, but I slept fine, although I did sleep a little longer than usual 'cause he kept me up until 2 in the morning on the phone. I am absolutely fine, and he's not, and I am okay with this.

I will be glad when he no longer says achingly sweet things to me.
I will be glad when he no longer looks at me that way.
I will be glad when I'm no longer very important to him.

Maybe I AM an alien.
---

In other news:

I had a very long conversation with my dad today. I adore him. He makes me feel smart. I may've already written this, but he said to someone, "Look at my daughter! She's starting to sound like a scientist!"

Also, I had my poster session last Wednesday and it went really, really well. My poster was right by Chris's so we got to chat in between presenting. But anyway, I felt I did really well in engaging the people I was speaking to (my social skills are improving!). Liv was there (she's interested in some kind of bioengineering, so she's applying to the program), and she said I sounded super smart and she was proud of me.

She showed Mr. Washington my abstract out of the abstract booklet, and he told her, "She's brilliant. You're very lucky to be friends with her." I appreciated that. Still, people don't say this stuff to Liv enough. Liv is a very, very, very smart girl. Jesus, she's always surprising me with her brain, and her insight into how people work. She isn't very confident in her intelligence, though, and it shows in the way she talks. She has trouble articulating her ideas sometimes because she's just kind of scared, but when she isn't scared, it comes out clear and cutting and – Liv is just a really smart girl. She deserves to be in this New Visions program more than I do, I think.

Oh, but. My dad was also impressed with my abstract! He even asked me, "Did you write this?" Ruth complimented me on my abstract earlier as well.

At the poster session, I spoke a lot to the New Visions principal in particular. He was very interested in the brain and recommended a couple of books for me to read that discussed learning and memory, which is my primary interest. He even said to Ruth, "Yes, I had a nice long talk with this one..." And Ruth smiled. She said, "She's the best, isn't she? She's very special!..." Ruth is like that, though. I mean, I saw her on Christmas eve (we go to the same church) and she called me "her favorite," but I think that might just be something she says to people. Like, all of her students are her favorite.

In general, Ruth tells us we are gifted or whatever. I don't think we're gifted so much as motivated, but it's nice to hear! She's always calling us special and smart and just. What a sweet woman. I love Ruth.

I always find it so strange when people find me special! It makes me wonder. Am I really that unusual? I don't think so. I think I have a strange way of looking at the world (I think my sister sees it like I do, though). But Caroline (sister) has taught me not to separate myself from others. I have a tendency to do it anyways, but she's always humbling me. Always reminding me that we shouldn't put ourselves above others. I think it's always important to remember that, so I try to remind myself I'm not very special. Everyone has their own quirks. Some people happen to appreciate my quirks more than they appreciate others' quirks! That's all.

PEOPLE WHO SAY NICE THINGS ABOUT ME:
Mr. Washington
Ruth
My dad (duh!)
My mom (duh)
Holly
Liv (absolutely, all the time)
Isaac (mm... displeased noise)
Adrian (I'm OK with Adrian right now... He just turned 18!)

And, uuuuuummmm, I think that's all I can think of for now. Anyway, the point of this entry is that I am crazy about learning and also that I really suck as a friend and/or girlfriend.




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