Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
A Certain Gratification
I've felt woefully uninspired as of late. I haven't written the past couple nights for the sheer lack of anything inspiring to write about. Honestly, I'm still not feeling terribly inspired, but I'm doing something I don't think I've ever done in the history of writing in this diary. We're making history, here... I'm sitting in a coffeehouse (Better Living Through Coffee, actually. Are you surprised?), with my laptop. My hope is that a change of scenery will jar something within me.
I'm so bogged down. I haven't been doing much to pull myself out of it, either. I've had the past three days off, and two of those days I spent largely laying in bed doing nothing. And for whatever reason, it felt good. I'm not too upset about it, but I know that laying in bed isn't going to fix anything. Like the fact that I still haven't done the organization that I know I need to... and I don't have anymore large chunks of time off in the foreseeable future to do it in, but I'm not going to let myself dwell on that. Really, I should focus more on doing small things daily, as opposed to marathon organization sessions that leave me largely overwhelmed and feeling like there's too much to get done. Which is 100% of the reason why I haven't actually started. So that's the plan... If I can ever drag my ambivalent self to start. Ugh. Planning does not always breed action.
When I woke up this morning, I immediately felt the need to get out. I needed out of the house. I couldn't spend another day watching Law and Order. I couldn't spend another day staring at the same walls. Keenan left for school a little after 8:30am and once he was out of my bathroom (he's taken to dressing in my room in the morning), I dressed and left myself. I was proud of myself for getting out of the house at such a decent hour! Normally I roll out around noon and wish I'd given myself more time.
My initial plan was to stay local. The weather forecast called for rain everywhere around 2pm, so I wanted to get a decent hike in before the rains set in. But even though I told myself it was prudent to stay close to home, I was pulled to Port Townsend again. Always. I wouldn't be surprised if I live here someday. Actually, that's not a terrible thing to strive for...
I let myself sink into a spell of defeatist thought for a moment. It wasn't supposed to be rainy in Port Townsend. It was supposed to be lovely until around 2:45pm, but as I drove through Chimucum, it was misting. I'd settled on walking the trails around Anderson Lake, but the gate was closed and it was raining. Boo. This would be where the defeated thoughts came in. My impromptu plans hadn't gone as I'd wished and I was all set to mope about it... but I stopped myself. What good would that do? There are other parks, and Chimucum isn't Port Townsend. It very well could have been nice in PT, and it was! I got back on the road and decided to give Fort Townsend State Park a shot.
I'd heard there were great trails in Fort Townsend State Park. I knew there had to be something better than the lackluster, letdown of a trail I'd went on a few months ago. I was right. The funny thing is, there are multiple trailheads, but none of them are particularly aligned with parking areas. I had to walk a quarter mile along the side of the main road to get to the closest trailhead. It was totally worth it, though. I now have several new trails to explore! I think I want to bring Snookums with me next time. He would enjoy them. They're well-graded, not too steep, there's lots of loops and turns... and since it's a well-protected old growth forest, lots of fungi! I got some great pictures. My little hobby, fungi photography is garnering me quite a following on Instagram. My nature photos in general. Not that I care too much about followers. What does it even mean in real life? Nothing. I guess I just enjoy the fact that others find something pleasing in the images I post. There's a certain gratification.
I completed Chapter 4 in Practicing Happiness. Avoidance. Yet another psychological trap I tend to fall into. I'm starting to think all 4 traps the book discusses are going to be stumbling blocks I personally can identify with. There's yet another activity I need to make copies of and put into a binder, though I still haven't gotten around to doing that with the rumination activity. Instead, I've been going back periodically and walking myself through the activity. Going over the details of a particular incident in my head. It's still effective. More thought than I usually put into my bouts of rumination.
A quick physical check-in before I close: I feel good. I noted today while I was hiking that my back, hip, and knee are bothering me far less than they have in a very, VERY long time. Since I'm through the pre-menstrual phase (which causes my back and hip to act up exponentially), I'm feeling really good. Despite how body positive I've become, and how okay I've become with my body in general, I can't argue with the fact that I feel so much better when I'm a little lighter. When I'm in better shape. When I'm more active. It's truly incentive to keep going. I'm still using S Health to track my food intake (to ensure I'm getting enough protein and eating a consistent amount of calories - no restriction) and activity (10,000 steps/100 minutes of active movement - walking, weight lifting, hiking). It's the perfect formula for me. And it's non-triggering. I have no thoughts about withholding food, or working out for 4 hours at a time. I can finally let those obsessive actions go. For good... and that is so fucking liberating!
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