rainy

My heart in a knot
2017-02-10 19:10:20 (UTC)

Trial and error

My diet is still in the process of trial and error. Today I went to the store to get ingredients to make a green juice, I put kale, beets, blackberries, coconut water and avocado in it. I started to feel better after being bloated for a while. Getting sick after having such a wonderful feeling of health was difficult and I am wondering if the culprit was just the coconut oil change or a combination of that as well as the cookies and chips I ate.... Either way it has made me really upset with myself, but I shouldn't be because the second I start to feel in perfect health my body starts to crave sugar and junk foods... I now have to find some healthy alternatives that are actually healthy and not just "natural or organic". It can be so difficult though when you find them at good deals and you can't help but to want to buy.... so I'm going to have to figure this out because I don't want to have another relapse.


As far as my optimum health is concerned I want to describe the feeling..... well, when I'm functioning at my best my thinking (cognition), mood, and energy are all working perfectly together, I feel invincible. I've discovered something that concerns me about my health though and that is that I think I've had these problems for years and that I've always needed an intervention but it was never as bad as it had gotten since my last job. Growing up our parents rarely took us to the doctor, it is kind of upsetting that they didn't seem to be invested in our health and it's actually one of the things that has been bothering me lately when I think about to my childhood. Right now I'm focusing on seeing if it's the omega 3s or probiotics that help me the most. Tonight I ate some pink salmon and my brain fog slightly improved so it may be that, but I can't be sure because I've also started back taking magnesium at night to help me fall asleep since I've been sick. I likely won't know until a week or two until I've started to feel better again, this weekend I'll continue having green juices and eating salmon and hoping that I can start to feel my best again. The thing about the coconut oil that is disappointing me is that I really think that was helping tremendously but because I still have candida taking the coconut oil was causing a reaction as well as killing the good bacteria that I have been building up with the probiotics I've been taking, so really I needed to have been taking coconut oil months ago when I didn't have a job and when I had the time to deal with the effects of candida die off.... but I didn't know then... so now I'm going to have to take a different approach or maybe just only take low doses of coconut oil on occasion.


Today my neighbor stopped by (who is my "uncle") and a friend of my dad. That was super rare because we've been living here for like 5 years now and he has never stopped by... I didn't answer the door..... why? well, I wanted my sister to answer the door because I'm growing so tired of her lack of responsibility or care for anything besides video games. She should be working or building a career/education but she instead chooses to play video games all day. So I wanted her to answer the door in hopes that she would be an adult and at least do that...but she didn't, and I didn't either although I was going to but he left before I could get properly dressed. I couldn't help but to assume that someone must be in the hospital (maybe one of my parents?) but if that were the case I would assume they would at least call.

The truth is I've grown very bitter about my parents lately, I think a part of what triggered it was seeing my mom in the grocery store parking lot just watching me from a distance instead of speaking.... that really bothers me and it's not the first time she's done it.... what's worst is how I felt the first time it happened because I was glad to see her and I spoke and she acted like she didn't even know who I was or as if she didn't want to be associated with me.... it's a terrible feeling so seeing her watch me in the grocery store parking lot made me really mad. I don't understand why my parents are like that, but they have always been. I've always wondered if they regretted adopting us and if they really only did it out of selfish reasons... it makes me so mad because how they raised us is a part of the reasons why my older sister is stuck playing video games and not doing anything with her life. All our life they have allowed her to sit and play video games and not take responsibility, so video games became a comfort for my sister and she now seems to be into full blown addiction ever since loosing her job. To make matters worst is that our parents don't care, they never have, their job has just been to shelter and feed us... that's it.... no love or direction in life at all. But what makes me the most upset is that growing up we were so sheltered it wasn't like we could find resources and people to help us get on the right track...

It's so much that needs to be explained about how I was raised, if I don't explain it in details then I will just sound ungrateful. Years ago when I had written an entry about how I was mad with my mom I had received feedback from someone who was very angry and passionate about telling me I should "get out from under her roof".. and that I was ungrateful and a bunch of other things. But the reality is that I didn't do a good job explaining why I was mad with her, and I've never clearly explained my parents or how I was raised... I've only use the analogy of keeping a pet and for a long time I thought it was normal and I was made to feel like I should be grateful that I had a home at all even if it wasn't filled with love. But I will tell you that even as a child I would have rather had loving parents and been deep in poverty than to have distant cold parents who only shelter. Sheltering is the very reason why I don't have important skills to help me navigate the world and it holds me back even today. The only reason I'm finally starting to see it manifest itself now is because for the first time in my life I've started to get jobs that require me to do more than just the same routine manual labor, I'm getting jobs that require me to engage with others and not just be a passive employee. And it's hard.... it's hard because this is experience that you gain from having different experiences while growing up. For example I've never taken a trip away from my parents as a child, I wasn't in group activities like girl scouts or sports groups. I didn't have neighborhood kids to grow and explore with... and the friends that I did have in school stayed in school because when ever I was invited to hang out my parents wouldn't allow it. My life was focused around church, school and home.

I guess I may still seem ungrateful but it's because I feel like my parents adopted us more out of an idea for a "long term plan" and wanting to seem "normal", rather than genuinely wanting kids and wanting them to grow up and be successful..... if they did care they would be trying to help my sister get her life together, but I think they just wanted kids to care for them in old age. I don't think they wanted to be the childless couple because it may make them seem unappealing while all of their friends had kids. At the same time I know they were really disappointed in not being able to have children of their own.... especially my mom... I think she has never been able to get emotionally close because of it. I remember one time some friends from church were over our house and we were playing outside riding our bikes down a hill and one of the girls ran into the mailbox and got hurt really bad... we had all gone inside to get her help and my mom was so cold about it..... she didn't have a nurturing ability and was very cold about it like she didn't want to be bothered. The sister of the girl who was hurt pointed that out and that was the first time I realized that my parents were different, I was embarrassed and angry about how she seemed so cold and distant about her injury. But both of my parents are like that... very stern and emotionless. They do laugh and joke but usually only with adults they feel are worth it.

When I think about it I can understand how I may sound ungrateful but as a child I was very loyal to my parents despite not always feeling loved by them... my childhood wasn't a nightmare and I do think that a part of it was their individual personalities, how they were raised, as well as the era we were growing up in. I do think my parents were set out for a much better life but not being able to have children of their own really put a damper on things and I think soon after adopting us they realized that adoption wasn't a substitute for not being able to conceive on their own but they didn't want to "return us" because they had been seen as hero's for adopting. I think if the technology that we have today was available back then that they would have gone through thousands of dollars worth of fertility treatments to conceive on their own rather than adopt. And for the record not all kids who don't get adopted end up homeless or with lots of problems, some actually become very successful people so there is no telling how I would have turned out had I not been adopted.

I honestly weep for our dysfunctional family....I wish that my family were stronger and more connected, I don't understand why we don't communicate more.... by the way it's not just my immediate family... there are families with-in our family that are actually worst off... like my cousin for example... I have no idea how he went wrong, statistically he should be doing well in life, he seemed to have loving parents, a good education, and plenty of resources (he was an only child) so I don't understand why his life took the turn for the worst like it did. And honestly he has been to jail so many times I'd be too scared to even ask him. He didn't seem to have any problems when he was a child.... I actually use to be very jealous of how much he had when we would go over his house.... but you know what I think could be it? sheltering and overbearing.... his parents were kind of like my parents, and I think once he got away from them he wanted to try everything that he wasn't allowed to do as a kid, I remember once going over to his house and I wanted to watch a certain TV station and his mom said he wasn't allowed to watch it....it wasn't even anything bad, just music videos. I hope I don't sound judgemental... I'm really just trying to understand what went wrong with my family... because it's not even just him or me and my sister... so many of us aren't "successful", but my definition of successful might be far reached. Even when I just think about the people I grew up with many of them don't meet my definition of successful, even Ms. M with her privileged up bringing doesn't meet my definition of successful... and she's making very good money.

My problem with how I view my family is that I've always had an idea of what "perfect" and "normal" were supposed to be like and none of us really meet that standard... and I bet I would find that most families don't even though sometimes it seems like they do.... for example, some families on youtube seem to have everything, but as I've gotten older I've been able to see the flaws in things that use to look perfect. So am I ungrateful? no... I just have been holding on to expectations and wishing that things would have gone differently for me but that's in the past so I need to work towards the future. In the present moment I just wish my sister would show interest in something besides video games... but at least she's not in jail. I also wish that my health were perfect and that I didn't have to worry about what foods my body does and doesn't like. I also wish I was doing better with my career and educational goals... but until my health gets on track I'm kind of stuck where I'm at.

So back to my health... I do think that I will soon reach a point where I'm "stable", I have no idea why I developed candida but at least I'm not in chronic pain... right now I'm really thankful for what I do have.


Ok... I'm done for tonight, I don't know what my plans are for the weekend but I want to try and do a bit of exercising, Sunday is supposed to be really nice out before we head back into cooler temperatures next week. Oh yea.. I'm thinking about getting a new bed, I've been considering something in my room is also contributing to my health problems and I am thinking that my bed may be a part of the problem... all I know is that I wake up feeling sick but once I'm up for a while I start to feel better.... so I'm going to "detox" my room.... find a new bed... deep clean the carpet and make sure there is no mold or anything in here that could be contributing to my problems.




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