Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2017-02-07 23:43:41 (UTC)

The Cracks Of My Psyche (Rumination)

All I can say is... wow. Today has been a fantastic day. Not at all because any outside force made it so. This is all from within. I woke up this morning with a resolve to once and for all, commit to my self-guided therapy. I was going to do my best to carve out the necessary time to sit my ass down and read my book. Do my assignments. And fully trust the process. And while doing that, still make time to be active (getting in my 10,000 steps, weights, and yoga when it feels right). Also writing in my diary. In fact, tomorrow I'm going to buy myself a small journal to keep with me so I can write down passing thoughts/ideas/moods I'd like to elaborate on. So often by the time the day has ended, I've forgotten half of the little seeds and tidbits of ideas that crossed my mind through the course of the day. I'm left with the flat and dry chronological series of events. The play by play of my day, with little nuance or insight into what was really going on in my head. The big stuff isn't all that important, really. I want to peek into the cracks of my psyche and shed light on those often dark thoughts. Ultimately, that's what this diary has always been for... but I find myself so far of the mark. So often. And those types of hollow musings aren't all that beneficial to my mental well-being.


Lately I've felt very out of control with my eating. I'd like to attribute it to the fact that my period is due in a matter of days (and that may likely be a factor), but ultimately I'm the one in control of what I put in my body. Not my hormones. I haven't overeaten, but I'm coming right up on my daily caloric goal. Often needing to roll late night snacks into the next day (technically it is "next day", but in my mind it's not tomorrow until I fall asleep and wake up. Even if I go to bed at 3am. You get the idea). So, I'm waking up with 1/4 to 1/3 of my calories already used up by stuff that isn't necessarily ideal... that I ate at 1am. Even if I don't technically exceed my goal, I'm still not eating well. And I'm sacrificing quality food for snacks.

This morning I stopped at Central Market got get my customary hazelnut almond milk latte and two apple turnovers. I love their apple turnovers and eat them at least 3-4 times a week. As I was walking back to my car I thought to myself "that was the last time I'll have those for awhile". I don't know why I thought that, considering I hadn't told myself beforehand that it would be. I work them into my calorie goal. They aren't even that bad calorically, but they are almost entirely refined sugar. I really shouldn't be eating them as often as I do. But I so loathe even the slightest feeling of deprivation. We'll see how long I go. Would it be best for me to cut down? Yep. Will I? That has yet to be seen. But even right now, I'm still feeling very certain about it. More fruit. Less fruit-filled pastries!

When I need soul asylum I always go to Port Townsend. I can't even begin to tell you why that is. Other than the fact that I came to love the town the night Corey and I spent the day together there, I have no other real reason other than I'm drawn to it, and I feel like there's a large concentration of like-minded people there. Eclectic souls, hipsters, vagabonds, dreamers, creators, inspired individuals who go against conventional ideals. My kind of people. Even if most often I don't feel like talking to them. I enjoy observing them being unique, and unapologetically so. That's where I went to do my therapy work. I've tried several times over the past few weeks, but I just haven't felt like it. I wasn't ready. I'd taken a few steps to get ready, but hadn't fully reached that point. I got there today, and it was awesome! Already I can feel a difference. I don't know if you can sense a difference in me, but I'm feeling so much more opened up. Like energy is flowing though my brain in a way it wasn't even yesterday.

I walked around downtown, because it's one of my most favorite things to do. I always go into this one bag store (luggage, purses, tote bags, etc.) I swear they never have anything new. It's always the same stuff they just move around, but I found a purse I like there once, and I keep hoping if I go back I'll find another. No such luck. I'm thinking I'm going to need to wait a good long while before I go back in. It's always the same lady and I never buy anything. I often wonder if she thinks I'm cheap... or indecisive. According to Practicing Happiness that negative thought is a form of rumination. Something I do too often, and need to get into check. One of the many things I learned about myself today.

I found a cute woven cotton tote at Phoenix Rising to put my workbook and pens in (and the rest of my supplies once I acquire them). I also splurged a bit and got myself some crystals. I honestly don't know one way or the other if crystals are actually healing or have any benefits, but I figure it can't hurt to have them on hand. Even if it's a placebo effect. I got a banded carnelian, smoky quartz, snowflake obsidian, labradorite, and a lepidolite. As I worked in my book, I rolled the polished stones around in my hands. If anything it was a soothing exercise. The cool stones quickly warmed up and felt nice against my cool skin. My always cold hands transferred enough heat for the crystals to return it to me.

I met a Canadian in Phoenix Rising and had a very fulfilling conversation. He really was such a lovely man. We talked about Trump, how problematic the current administration is, what Canadians think of the US, what life is like in the other countries he's visited, my ethnicity (but not in a creepy way. He just wanted to know what made me who I am). It was a very nice exchange. Which is something I'm not used to. Usually social situations drain me like a cellphone with too many apps running in the background. As we parted ways, he said something along the lines of "I love Americans, and I have much love for you." Such a sweet way to part ways. It saddens me that I'll likely never see him again, but sometimes people are meant to just pass through your life. Not stay. I was indeed touched by him, and not in any way remotely sexual.

I found a table in the sun at Better Living Through Coffee, and plugged away for a solid two hours. Finally, I made it through the introductory, through Chapter 1 and 2, and into Chapter 3. Chapter 3 is where the real work begins. It's on Rumination (obsessing over things without actually being productive or finding resolutions). I haven't taken the quiz yet, and I already know this is something I struggle with. Every scenario is me in a nutshell. Just the knowledge of what's wrong makes it that much easier to fix it.

For dinner I made an AMAZING potato kale soup with white bean puree and Beyond Meat beefy crumbles. It's not quite the consistency of a Zuppa Toscana, but it's along those lines and so very good. Keenan gave it another 10. I'm about to have another bowl (in lieu of a sugary snack). Currently super thankful I made 12 quarts of it!




Ad: