rainy

My heart in a knot
2017-02-03 19:59:57 (UTC)

All thoughts...

Although I'm getting much better each day I still am not ready to write about the various topics I have been saying I will be writing about, but I do feel I will get to them eventually. I think the problem is that my mind has been wandering onto other subjects and yes one of them is still about Ms. M even though she is long gone and out of my universe. The thing that I keep thinking about regarding her is that a huge part of me wonders if I could have possibly helped her, yes... I know it sound unfathomable, me with all of my problems and lack of personal development helping someone who has a fancy degree and came from a privileged background, she wore nice clothes and was overly professional and conservative and most importantly she played the role of a well rounded business woman well.... but a part of me felt like there is much more to her than that and that maybe I had come into her life at this time for a reason. But if that were the case why would the universe separate us?


Often times I feel completely helpless to help anyone besides myself, don't take that the wrong way, I'm not saying I only want to help myself but I feel like I'm not qualified/capable of helping other people, I feel like there is always someone out there who is more qualified to help and that they can do it and do it well. Ms. M is one of those people... or I thought so in the beginning but after examining everything that happened I think she may need help. My problem is that I see people like her who seem so well put together and I assume that they could never need help, they are the epitome of perfection, people choose them for advice, help and understanding because they have these qualities and in the face of hardship they don't show their insecurities (like I do) they face them and move on, they are quick to get on their footing and they are strong resilient people. I have to change that thinking.... take my sister for example... she needs help but I feel helpless in helping her, I keep waiting for someone to come help her but I have to do it, but I don't know how, I don't know what is the best first step and I don't know how to get her to listen to me. This is why someone like me needs someone like Ms. M who is strong and who seems to have the answers.... but Ms. M had just had a divorce, she looked so well put together but I could see parts of her that were hurting.


I'm working on shaping myself into a better person, I still keep thinking why now?? why so late in life? I wish that I knew the things I know now when I was a child, what makes me the most upset is that much of what I know now was available knowledge when I was growing up. It's hard for me not to feel angry at my adoptive parents for not helping me reach my full potential, I keep wishing I could go back in time and just raise myself, the problem is not realizing what you needed as a child until you become an adult, and I'm not the best adult I could be because I didn't have the things I needed as a child..... and trust me it's a very unforgiving world if you are not prepared. That's why people like me cling to people like Ms. M who seem to have everything figured out, that's why I come and write about these people who I see as successful and well-rounded, they have all the qualities in them that I wish to see in myself. But the problem is that they don't see me in the same light as I see them.... in Ms. M's eyes I had nothing to offer her, same with TT, nothing. The same way that I felt about some of the other people who I worked with I held no interest in them because they either seemed to have a flawed personality or didn't seem to have goals and be well-rounded.... I really don't know if I could have ever made myself appealing to both Ms. M or TT, maybe who I am as a person simply wasn't enough for them to gain interest in me. Maybe I was just like a shadow and they knew I was there but they couldn't do anything with me.... both of those women were my aspirations, I would give anything to know them personally but I was never able to get to that point and that was the universe telling me I need to change.... and since then I've started to make those changes.

I'm a bit nervous going into this new job.... it's a job that is like a nursing home and I feel nervous about the person I might be working with because it's a man, I wish they could of found a woman. The only good thing is that I get to have a say in rather or not I want to work with him or not so right now my goal will be to compile a few questions so that I can get a better idea if I will be safe or not with this guy. I feel like it's always something to be worried about.... this is also one of the reasons why I wanted the hotel job it's a solo job in a fairly safe environment and I don't run the risk of having to deal with too much drama. As of right now I'm still going to stick with this... it could be that I'm overthinking things based out of fear, but I will still remain diligent for any signs.


Lately I've been wanting to travel, I'm not really sure where I'd like to go but I just think it would be nice to go somewhere... I just wouldn't want to go alone.


I've been getting back into photography slowly lately, Its amazing how well the supplements I've been taking have been helping me, I feel like I'm almost back to feeling the same energy and excitement about life as I felt years ago before I started having leaky gut problems. I am so glad that I started to pay attention to my health so that I can get on the right track, it did unfortunately take loosing two jobs and not building relationships with people who I wanted to build with and of course missing out on a lot of opportunities... well I can't go back and fix all of that so I just have to work towards the future. I hope to go ahead and start a few other projects I've been wanting to get started on as well. I feel like I'm still in the early stages of getting better so my motivation hasn't fully kicked in yet but it's coming and I'm excited about getting my motivation back.

Well I'm getting sleepy... I'm just waiting for this job to start then I will start making plans for my academics and career goals.




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