Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2017-01-26 23:00:11 (UTC)

Longer Than I've Let On

Why is life so unfair? I know there was never any guarantees made when it comes to what will and won't happen to people, but doesn't it seem like there's a disproportionate amount of hurt and heartache doled out to some folks, and not enough to others? Why is that? How does this even work? What is life about? I'm feeling existential tonight. Why? Because life has handed me yet another bag of bullshit... because I wasn't carrying enough as it is, and I'm trying my best to reconcile how this is going to "make me stronger". Can I get over something before I have to mount a defense against something else? I think I already know the answer to that question. It was entirely rhetorical.

Last night while we were watching the movie with the kids, I noticed that my throat was starting to feel a little sore. Nothing too bad, just when I swallowed. I went to bed optimistic that whatever it was, my body would take care of it over night. Especially since I could sleep as long as I wanted/needed to. That wasn't the case. My body might be fighting it, but whatever it is, the symptoms have gotten progressively worse over the course of the day. I've been trying to treat it with apple cider vinegar (which surprisingly helps) and turmeric tea (highly anti-inflammatory and a natural antibiotic). Both work for a minute, but there's no long-term relief. Now it's hurting whether or not I swallow. My lymph nodes are painfully swollen, and there are small white spots on my tonsils. Other than that, I feel fine. No other cold or flu symptoms. I've never had strep before, and I haven't been exposed to anyone I know of who has it. I do still have my tonsils, and have had tonsillitis in the past, but not in many years (maybe not even as an adult). I'm not used to this getting sick bullshit. I haven't been sick more in the past 10 years than I have this year (twice. I know, so much). I feel that there's a direct correlation to my depression flaring up, and my immune responses. I've been battling the depression for much longer than I've let on. I think eventually it starts to tear you down physically as well as mentally. I'm falling apart.

So I did nothing... all day. Mostly I did what I do on all the days I can't function in society. I laid in bed, scrolled Instagram, and watched a Law and Order: SVU marathon. Around 7pm I figured I should probably get up and start moving if I wanted to get my daily steps in. I watched TV while Keenan read a book and just walked in place. It's not so bad, really. Better than sitting on my ass the entire time.

As I was stepping it out, I realized that I can't remember the last time I took a shower. And I'm pretty sure it's been since last week that I took a bath (Saturday, maybe). Based on a selfie I posted I know it's been since the 14th that I washed my hair. Long story short, I needed to do some self-care. But I didn't really have that in me. I did it anyway, though and I'm glad I did. I do feel a bit better. I deep conditioned and detangled my hair, waxed the peach fuzz on my face (I hate it), and did an exfoliating face mask. Then I took a hot shower. So much effort, ugh.

I told Snookums about my throat and he bought me ice cream. Ben and Jerry's vegan chocolate fudge brownie. The highlight of my day. We have tomorrow off together, too! I really hope my throat is feeling better in the morning. Snookums wants to go adventuring, and honestly even if my throat isn't better, I'm still going.




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