Screened In Porch

Life in general
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2017-01-25 15:27:51 (UTC)

Dow tops 20k

It is days like this that you realize who you are and who you have surrounded yourself with. When the Dow reached over 20k this morning, I was thrilled. I know what that means to us in this country. If you have a 401k, you will feel it too. Maybe you won't know right away, but when you see those numbers rising, if you even look at those things, you will know that this country is in good hands. We are moving forward to being, to really being, not just because someone says it, not because we hear it so much, but we will be moving forward to become the best, strongest country in the world. Your future will be better, your children's future will be better....all of us are going to be better. If in fact this keeps up.

He has not even been in office a week yet, and some of his nominations for his cabinet have not been approved yet, but things are still getting done daily. He is a hard worker. Many people hate that he is in office. Many do not understand what is happening. Many will not understand what the Dow rising to 20k today means. Do you? With the internet, there is no reason what so ever for anyone to not know what is going on. Research it. Be informed.

I got up feeling a bit blue today. After last night, realizing I had to use my CBS subscription to watch the Young and Restless because my DVR was acting up again and would not allow me to watch it. I record shows that I watch to fast forward through the commercials. This was the first time in a year or since Big Brother was on that I even logged onto CBS. It was easy enough. But I swear, every five minutes, I had to watch a commercial of shows on CBS...shows that come on during Prime time....shows that I do not watch and have no interest in. Every 5 minutes. I decided then.....I am cancelling this subscription. I looked it up, and it is only 5.99 a month. You can upgrade to commercial free. But I do not use it much and feel insulted that they would add commercials every 5 minutes in an attempt to get me to upgrade to pay more. The only other subscription I have is to our local newspaper. The only reason I have that is too look at the obituaries each day. Especially now that I am not using facebook, I need to know who dies. Or do I? Now that their webpage has is not easy to do what you want or see what you want. They changed it completely. I think I pay around 7 bucks for that one.

So, then I started thinking about this place. I come here sometimes daily. I come here to vent. I come here to let it ask for help. I have met people here that I adore. I love you guys. You know who you are. I love your encouragement....I feel like here, I am with people who get me. No users, no dummies, no know it all's, no back that brings me to the point I am trying to make.
Sure I have made donations here before. A couple times. But I do not have a monthly prescription. So, once I have taken care of cancelling the other two things mentioned here. I am coming back here, and I am going to set up to at least pay this site 10 bucks a month. I won't miss it. But if more of us did this, we will know that this place will always be here. So much better than facebook. We can hide in the dark, in the corner and scream to the top of our lungs what is bothering us. I hated to read those comments on facebook where these immature people would broadcast their most private things. Oh my god. It was brutal. I hate realizing that people I know are so lame. Especially when I thought so highly of them. Oh my goodness. It feels so good to not be there any longer. I feel safe here.

Then I thought today while reading the obituaries, that even if I read one who has the last name of one of a biological relative, Coleman, Hall, Martin, Moore, just the ones I actually know of.....why do I put myself through that? What difference does it make if one of my cousins passes away? I do not know them. They do not know me. I was not important enough to keep up with. Then I started thinking about some of the relatives in the foster family. They are the same way. There are a couple different sets of cousins....and none of those people keep up with one another. My foster mother had first cousins that she never mentioned. When I went to the funeral of my friends dad, after reading the obituary, I realized that my foster mother was her dad's first cousin. So, he was also the cousin of my husband's ex wife, who was also my foster mothers first cousin. It was amazing but disturbing at the same time. No one really gives a shit anymore who they are related too.
I sat through that entire funeral and saw not one person from that side of his family. I would have recognized them. None of them cared enough to show. Wow.

I still feel that I would have done better, had less emotional issues (which I have overcome) if I had been raised in a foster home in a different part of the state or another state all together. It maybe would have been harder for the biologicals to find me. I was one of those that did NOT WANT TO BE FOUND.....I wanted to be left alone. Now, here I am in my old age with the phone ringing with names popping up of people that I never wanted to talk too. I was in protective custody. Kids like me should have been protected longer than age 18. If they were so bad ( and they were ) that I was in protective custody from them, then why throw me to the wolves at the most delicate part of my young life...when I am trying to become responsible, a mother, a wife, a student, and work...all those things put me in danger of running into one of them....into someone who would recognize me enough to know who I was.....I changed my name. I did what I thought was needed to help stay in hiding. It did not work.

They found me any damn way.

I am hurting a lot today. And the pain I feel makes me wonder if I had been raised in a different place by different people....
attended different schools, worked at different places, met different people, would my life have less pain in it?

Be careful what you do careful who you careful.

Put yourself first sometime.
It is okay to do that.