Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
I'm Not Even Sad
It's an interesting place to be... totally removed/devoid of exaggerated feelings. Emotionally I'm powering down, like my batteries are dying. I'm ambivalent, and all I want to do is move myself as far away from my current life as possible. If life is a mural of vivid color, I'm seeing life as a washed out blur. The weird part is, I'm not even sad. Not at all, really. In the past there was always some mitigating circumstance behind the onset of a depressive state. A catalyst. There isn't now. Life is nowhere near where I'd like it to be, but it isn't as bad as it has been, or could be. And yet, here I am... Googling what over the counter drugs can cause death (according to Google anything if you take enough of it. Unless you throw them up before toxicity occurs. Which would be just my luck).
When I was 14 or 15 I overdosed on 11 guaifenesin pills (Mucinex basically. It was all I had). I think it would have killed me had it not made me throw up. It took me two days to recover. I'm not keen on recreating that failed suicide attempt. But as I look back on it, I'm impressed (wrong word, perhaps) by how effortless it was to come to that conclusion. That I wanted to die. I don't recall really thinking too hard into it, really. I knew I didn't want to be my stepfather's whore anymore. I knew I didn't want to endure my mother's physical and mental abuse anymore. But now... I have nothing to run from, and yet I can't think of anything more comforting than the idea of never waking up.
With the three days off I've got ahead of me, I have committed to myself to improving my environment. My bathroom and closet need organizing. As well as the pantry. The kitchen needs a deep cleaning, too. I feel like if I can get these areas in order, maybe I'll feel a little more balanced. More connected to my environment. There is a direct correlation to chaos in your mind and chaos in your space. I think I'll be a bit better off in less clutter. God, I don't want to do it, though. I want to get it done, but I don't want to do the work.
Snookums has been a man of his word when it comes to keeping me accountable to working in my book. He asks me every single day. I didn't do any today. All I want to do is stare off into space, scroll Instagram, go shopping, and occasionally eat. The rest of my life can kick rocks, basically. I hate myself right now...
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