Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2017-01-23 22:06:14 (UTC)

Food For My Soul

I'm encountering some resistance with myself when it comes to trusting the process and taking the time to read/work on my Practicing Kindness therapy (the book Snookums bought me at Phoenix Rising on Saturday). This isn't unlike me, or even the lest bit surprising. I am the master at sabotaging my own progress. The funniest part about it is that that was one of the topics covered in the first few pages. How we're often the cause of our own suffering, and create our own obstacles in reaching a place of true happiness. I am my own worst enemy. I've known that for years. I took the book with me to Keenan's ballet class tonight and managed to get about 3 pages read before the younger brother of one of Keenan's classmates started acting like a fucking hellion (yelling, running, rolling around on the floor, being ignored by his mother) and made it impossible to actually absorbed anything I was reading. In that moment it solidified in my mind that I need to carve out a time and place for me to solely focus on working this system. Probably outside the house, because there's too many things at home to distract me. Too many reasons to continue drowning in my own diversions and to continue putting off my therapy. Self-led or not. I need to trust the process and try.


Despite the immense and almost effortless success I've experienced with losing weight (or should I say, shedding unhealthy pounds and reaching a comfortable weight), I had a momentary lapse in judgment a few days ago and lowered my daily calorie allowance by 250 calories. I didn't lose any weight last week for the first time in awhile (which has happened before. I have no idea why it got to me this week). S Health is incredibly intuitive and adjusts your caloric requirements based on your height/weight/gender/activity level/workouts/BMR/etc. It factors it all in. Despite the fact that I've lost 32 pounds since last summer eating MORE, obsessing infinitely LESS, and being very gentle and deliberate in my workouts, I felt a need to question the system. The progress I'm seeing makes me hungry for more. I'm getting greedy. It makes me antsy to do more. I'm so used to eating less being the answer, I'm not sure what to do to encourage more progress. Do I just keep doing what I've been doing and be patient, or do I start kicking up the workouts? Even though it upsets my knee (I already know the answer to that question). I am starting to hit the gym more often to lift weights. Maybe that's why I didn't lose. I might be putting on a little muscle. So anyhow, I raised my calories back up. After dinner tonight I'd already reached the lower calorie limit and there's just no way that was going to work out for me. I adore an evening snack after I smoke. There's no way I'm giving that up. Especially since there's no discernable reason I can see as to why I should.

Tonight at ballet I was devastated. I know that sounds hella dramatic, but it's not too far from the truth. Keenan's teacher pulled the blinds, so I couldn't watch him dance. Or take my customary weekly #boysinballet picture for Instagram. She did explain by saying that the noise and constant commotion in the lobby gets distracting for the young dancers and she was attempting to minimize that, but still... I just love watching him dance. It is food for my soul. It was fortuitous that I'd brought Practicing Happiness with me... until little hellion arrived and started raising hell... as hellions do.

I feel slightly bad about it. I can already tell I'm not going to be awake when Snookums gets home tonight. To get a full night's sleep I'd have to fall asleep by 11pm. Snookums doesn't usually get home until close to midnight. I want to see him, but after 3 solid days of not getting enough sleep, it takes it's toll. Eventually my body forces me to go to bed early, and I think that night is tonight. I've been feeling drained all day. He'll understand, my sweet Snookums. He always does.




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