Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2017-01-21 23:34:18 (UTC)

Crushing Criticism And Smothering Self-doubt

It's just after 11:30pm, but my body swears it's later. I'm tired. Which I hope means sleep will come easily tonight. I never can tell how that's going to go. To the point I dread the idea of trying. But of course, I must. Every single night.


Nothing about today went as I'd hoped it would. Not to say it was a bad day by any means (it wasn't, it was good). It just didn't go as planned. Something I'm totally accustomed do, and wasn't even really disappointed by. Our original plan was to take the entire family (all three children) up to Fort Worden to explore the new bunkers on Artillery Hill I "discovered" a couple weeks ago. We so rarely get to do fun things as an entire family, and I know it's something they'd all alike. Well, Kiki woke up with a stomach bug and didn't feel up to it. She wanted to stay home. Annie was sleeping and wasn't too keen on going, anyway. So, Keenan was the only one up for it. So, instead of a family fun day, it was a one on one Keenan-time day. With three kids (and him being the youngest), alone time with both mom and dad isn't something any of them get on a regular basis. So we turned a negative into a positive. From that point on the day was good!

Keenan had the biggest grin on his face from the moment he spotted the first bunker until he fell asleep in the backseat of the car on the way home. It was good for my soul to see that. My happiness is so entangled in his (and Kiki and Annie, but more so the baby). I got a few really good pictures of him and he took a couple really cute pictures of Snookums and I. They're currently collecting "likes" on Instagram. Feeding into the teeny pit of narcissism that hasn't been filled by crushing criticism and smothering self-doubt.

Speaking of mental illness, after our nature walk through Fort Worden's bunkers, Keenan wanted to go downtown and stroll the shops (as we so often do). We stopped into Phoenix Rising and while we were there, I mentioned to Snookums that there were a couple of books I've been going back and forth over for months. They're self-led behavioral therapy workbooks. The same stuff I'd been working on when I was actively going to therapy. There's no doubt I've been struggling very much so the past few months, and it's reaching a crescendo. I need to do something. And since I lost my medical benefits and going back into therapy isn't an option right now. Self-led is going to have to be the way to go. I showed him the books and he picked one over the other. The one he picked is more mindfulness-based while the one I had been leaning towards was more clinical stuff. I have to admit, after flipping through it some more, I think he made the right choice. It's called The Practicing Happiness Workbook and I'm excited to dig into it a little deeper, but not tonight. I'm too tired. And for whatever reason I'm supposed to work at 9:30am tomorrow. Which is odd considering we don't open until 11am and I don't usually work Sundays. But whatever...

We had dinner at Hanazono Asian noodle house (I had a vegetable donburi bowl) then came home. Snookums switched shifts and had to close tonight. He wanted to take a nap before work. So, he isn't here right now. Somehow I'll have to manage to sleep without him... it shouldn't be too tough of a challenge.




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