Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2017-01-17 00:04:04 (UTC)

Quite The Juxtaposition

I'm still having quite the time getting comfortable with the site's new look. I've tried my best not to complain about it, but after all this time. Going on 3 weeks, I'm still feeling pretty fragile about it. Like my dearest confidante is gone. It feels equivalent to the time my most favorite therapist moved and I had to start seeing someone else. Whom I didn't initially like at all, and even after getting to know him, I still didn't like him well. That relationship didn't progress as I would have liked (I stopped seeing him abruptly when I really should have stayed in therapy). I fear if I don't get over the feelings I have about the site change, then I'll never be able to truly open up like I used to. These past few weeks my entries have been entirely superficial shit. How my day went, trivial work related bits, details about my hikes. Even if I think of something introspective to share, it escapes me as soon as I open this unfamiliar page to write. I still long for my safe white box in a black backdrop. I think I'd even be okay if I just had the option of changing the entry box back to white. If anyone capable of making that happen happens upon this: pretty please. I need my safe space back. Because for whatever reason, I'm just not adapting.


That might actually be the most personal thing I've shared since the change. My most sincere feelings. Maybe not, but it is something that's deeply troubling me... still. I'm such a weakling about some things. Despite how strong I am in other ways. Quite the juxtaposition.

Per Keenan's request, the kids and I hiked Gold Mountain. The same mountain I hiked back in July. The hike where I feel and split my knee open. And even though that injury finally healed, I'm now dealing with a secondary injury from it. A Synovial (bakers) cyst. That hike was pivotal for me. At a little less than 1,700ft elevation, it was the first summit I'd ever reached in my hiking "career". After years of being too overweight to do anything like that. After years of debilitating back pain, and feeling like I wasn't capable, I did it. I cried, but mostly I relished the feeling of success. Deep personal fulfillment that couldn't be shaken, even after I feel on my way down. That climb showed me I could, and paved the way for ever hike I've been on since. Every challenge I didn't think I could face. It also gave me a slight fear of falling, a fear I've taken with me on a few other treacherous hikes, but today I think I faced that fear head on. I made it up (and most importantly, down) the same mountain I'd fallen down. And this time, I did it with the added obstacle of ice and a solid 2ft of snow. I'm tough, and I'm only getting tougher.

I was very proud of Keenan on our hike. He was determined to make it to the top, even though he was tired, cold, hungry, and feel a bit of pressure in his ears from the elevation gain (he's still got a bit of ear drainage going on from his cold last week, but I still let him go. He insisted, and quite frankly I would have done the same thing). He charged upward and onward. Kiki is a robust girl. Always has been. She had no problems going up or coming down. She's my rock solid babe. I loved seeing her encourage her brother and help keep him motivated. I might have bribed them with dried fruit bars to keep them going, but regardless they did great. It was a fun hike!

Almost immediately after getting down off the mountain, we had to drive straight to Keenan's dance school. We'd brought his clothes with us in anticipation of cutting it close, but it worked out perfectly. We had 45 minutes to get there, Keenan changed in the car (he didn't want to use their bathroom for some reason) with 10 minutes to spare, and I swear he had one of his best classes. He had so much energy and enthusiasm. I wonder if his feelings of success for climbing that mountain had anything to do with it? I think so. He's also still feeling really connected and engaged after his one on one lesson with his teacher. It's just what he needed, and I promised him when they open up more one on one classes, I'd sign him up. At his level they don't offer them all the time. It's usually reserved for the older dancers. I can see his improvement, though. Each week he's becoming more and more graceful and poised. His strength and balance are evident. It's doing him so much good... now if we could just find Kiki's right fit. I want her to have the same sense of purpose and drive that Keenan has for dance. I want her to be engaged in some form of art or expression. That includes sports. I think sports are forms of art, too.

The cartridge Snookums bought me from Agate Dreams awhile back isn't working as well as the ones I usually get from Sea Change. I'm fully charging my vaporizer again to see if that makes a difference, because it's hit or miss whether or not I can get a good hit off it... pun slightly intended. It'll work for one or two puffs, but then nothing. The vape is working. I see the lights functioning as usual, but not vapor. No high. No pain relief. When we bought it the guy who sold it to us said something about "if it doesn't work, bring it in and we can test it". Why would he say that if this wasn't an ongoing problem? I think there's a quality issue with this particular brand. I won't be buying it again... and unless it just isn't possible, I'll continue to go to Sea Change. I like the budtenders there better, and I feel like they're more honest. Dude knew there's a problem with these cartridges and still sold it to me. Uncool.




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