Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2017-01-09 23:29:11 (UTC)

Systematically Dismantled

While I'm becoming more accepting of the new layout, I'm finding that it's made it difficult for me to be as candid as I usually am. I still feel like I'm opening up to a stranger. Like the first few months of seeing a new therapist, I'm never quite as forthcoming as I could be. Nothing significant has changed about the way the site works, but that isn't the problem. it's entirely aesthetics. It doesn't look like my safe place, and I'm still sad about that.


Work was unbearably slow. I opened, but thankfully only stayed until 2pm. Another 3 1/2 hours would have been misery. Fingers crossed tomorrow is better, because I am scheduled until 5:30pm. I'm still feeling excruciating growing pains when it comes to job satisfaction. I need to find something that both fulfills me and brings in a better/more substantial income. Even though I make a good hourly wage (top of the pay scale for retail, actually), my hours are too variable. I can't depend on 15 hours one week, 25 the next, then 40 once in a blue moon. I need more. My family needs more. We've got less than $200 to live on until we get paid again, and we really haven't paid our bills. Just rent. It's a scary place to be. It's frustrating, upsetting, stressful, disappointing. I could go on. I never would have imagined being in this frightening, unsure,, insecure place in life. We were supposed to be building our life, not watching it get systematically dismantled. What's going to happen to our family?

After work I had a solid 3 hour chunk of time between getting off and when Keenan needed to be at ballet. So, even though my world is collapsing around me, I still found enough focus to go to the gym and work on my fitness. I know I'm going to be sore from the StairMaster workout I did yesterday, but I'm not yet... so I went back and did It again. As I lose weight I can't help but feel like my ass is getting flat. I know, totally a first world problem. And hardly my most pressing, but I need something to focus on other than our current struggles. So, my physical well-being is it. My body is the only thing in life I have control over.

Keeny had a great class. Since his one on one class with his teacher he's had a renewed excitement about dance. His teacher even gave him his own barre and while the girls are working on pirouettes and curtsies, she gives him other exercises. Mostly jumps and coordination activities. He loves the special treatment and feels like he's really getting out of class what he wants: to get more coordinated and stronger. I posted a picture of him in class on Instagram and a professional dancer "liked" it. I showed him that and he just beamed ear to ear. It was adorable!

I need to get more sleep tonight than I did last night... I'm not sure if I will, but I need to.




Ad: