Prophetess

Prophetess
2017-01-09 01:24:58 (UTC)

Perhaps it's for the best

I've always hated that phrase. Everyone that has said it to me has manipulated me in some way after saying it. That what they're about to tell me is for my own good. I hate those words as well. No one truly knows what's best for a person or what's for their own good except them. This I truly believe. So what is truly best for me? I have been considering seeking out a chemical lobotomy. Of course in this day and age no doctor will do an actual trans-orbital lobotomy. Though there are some out there that will do chemical lobotomies. I'm mostly there. From what I have been reading I would lose the ability to feel anything. I would lose hopes, dreams, fears, etc. All the negative emotions would be gone. I've tried self help since without insurance and no money makes me unable to seek out an actual therapist and well therapy has never worked for me before. As I have said before I tried medication once before. In the week that I was on it I was violently vomiting, but at the same time I felt nothing. Not even empty. I literally felt nothing. Not love, not hate, just nothing. I want to achieve that once more. It's truly the only way to keep everyone around me safe.

I induced a man to abuse me for nine years. I caused my mother to beat me senseless as discipline. I wasn't enough and caused RSS to abuse me. Chris was embarrassed by me which is why he never allowed his friends to see me. I manipulated R into a relationship that never existed outside of my own mind. I brought all this on myself. I created what happened. So I think that a chemical lobotomy is for the best.

When I said I was already most of the way there I mean that I have no dreams or hopes for the future. I'm slowly beginning to feel nothing. Most of the friends that I believed were friends have moved on and clung to R. They were never my friends to begin with. They were ones that I had thought were, but there was a time long before this that they had done this very thing. R would talk to them about me and they would assume among themselves. Eventually one would be sent to "talk" to me and find out what was what. This time around it was Red, ironically the same one as last time. R had said that I should have figured it out since he went to all my friends to discuss me and knew they would talk to me for him. It was then that Red came over to the house. So for her to say that she doesn't want to talk to him is a lie. She also lied about me not landing a blow on him. According to R I was throwing punches left and right. Though it was simply that I slapped him. To keep something like that from happening again, a chemical lobotomy would be for the best.

So to protect those around me or that still claim to know me it's for the best that I seek this option out. I will miss my imagination, but sometimes sacrifice is for the best. In this case, that's the sacrifice that is needed. In the end, anything to protect those that I care about. In this case, it's protecting them from me.

Harriet Beecher Stowe once said, “The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.”




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