Truthful

Finding my flow
2017-01-02 22:33:21 (UTC)

Some day I can share it to the world

Don't get played! In the name of 'feminism'. I have suffered for 10 long years before I realized that I got played with inception of this screwed-up definition of 'feminism'by my ex.
I like to believe that after reading my story, women readers will continue to fall for wrong guys but for one less reason. That's the goal and I have tried my best to be as honest as I can!
Let's me start by providing some background information...so I grew up in a culture where role of men and women in a family is mostly defined and largely non-exchangeable. Men is the provider, women is the caretaker.
Since more and more women seeking technical educational and going out of homes for work these days, this strong demarcation is fading and people often switch roles but convention wisdom is still the same. Specially once the child comes in the pictures, society expect woman to give up on her career if needed to care for the baby while men should ensure that he provide for all the financial needs of the family. So, basically there is a tacit social pressure imposed on both men and women as they become adults. (Nothing abnormal or out of league, typical for any upper caste Hindu community based in India)
But when I got the opportunity to came to USA in 2005 for my PhD (after completing 3 years in DU and 2 years in IITD with star student status) my mindset was to break all boundaries of society and experience life as I want. Just to break free!! Then, I met this guy in 2006 at a friend's party, who was struggling bad to survive in his acedemic program but still very chilled about it. We started to have discussions. He told me that he is a feminist and in nature men role is trivial compared to women and men is not even needed in such a large number. This conversation really boosted my ego! And I showed interest in knowing him and his ideas more!
That was the beginning to our relationship or I should say the game!!!
After 10 long years of knowing each other, 4 years of marriage and 2 beautiful kids. Now, here I am ready to quit the game once and for all. Winner or a looser ?? Only time will tell...but game has to end! And I tell you why!
So, My husband's idea for feminism is that woman should own all the financial responsibility for herself and the family. She should use her salary to pay for all the family maintenance and she needs to be very stingy in this role. As in, She should keep an eye on every coupon/discount offers etc, she should never pay for any services like car repair, (either don't do it or do it herself). Most important of all, she should NEVER ever spend a penny for her own well-being, things she would like to to do for herself. Example -Hobbies like painting, music, Interests (tv, shopping, talking with friends/family) relaxation (manicure, massage, yoga) because that will make her selfish!
Purpose of man ( since he is the smarter one and totally selfless) is to supervise every activity of her and continuously bog down her confidence, thinking ability and emotional expressions. His most important role is to make sure she give all the extra money she makes from her salary to her husband for investment (in which she has absolutely no say! Or right to question her husband's decision). Wow!!
Naturally, as time passes by...I realized what he was doing this with me and we started to have arguments.
He started calling me names (lot of names), below are some examples -
1. Stupid (well, not just me but whosoever in this world has difference in opinion with him is stupid!). According to him, there is only one right way of life which he lives since he is a perfect man.
2. Useless (things he don't like or understand are useless as in ANY creative work)
3.Lazy/sloppy/messy/clumsy/gossipy/comfort-driven/enjoy wastage
4. Recessive in every possible way - sexist, castist, communist
5. Selfish, incapable to handling stress, no-risk taking, money-minded!, cheap, insecure, jealous.
7. I have some manipulative plans for kids as in I want to keep them away from him, I want them to raised with shallow mindset, I want to make them a believer like me bhah, bhah...
6. Last but not the least - Sanghi (since 2015, and that's his biggest discovery about me). Unfortunately, its hard for me to explain this to my non-indian reader how this term can be derogatory! and disrespetful!
Now this is his offensive side, but at times when he get defensive, these are some excuses he present -
1. I am selfless, I was just trying to maximize the profit margins. I as not doing anything for self-gain.
2. I have only made suggestions, I have never forced you (as in how???? In what world he believes that he will force me to give him money or do things for him , without my retaliation)

All it boils down to the one conclusion that he is NOT a feminist! Never was!
All he is - a completely irresponsible and unreliable person who is a victim of serious upbringing disaster. His personality doesn't get the chance to develop fully. He has yet to realize lot of his own emotions and feelings. He has strong urged to be needed, loved and cared. He like to give himself fancy titles and condescend others in order to hide his inner weaknesses and fear. He is like this 37 yr old stubborn man child, who still don't know what is respect? What is conscience? What is relationship?
Our game got nastier with time and entails lot of suffering (for both parties I guess) and I genuinely feel that no other couple should suffer for same reason as us.
Foundation of a relationship should be love, respect and care not ego!
Value your instincts! Don't tolerate abuse just to look strong or smart. Taking chances is good but whatever hurts has to be addressed. Don't ignore your inner calling!!
I don't want to sound preachy! so let's just focus on the lesson learnt and wishing each other well for future
Penning down my experiences provide me such a strong feeling of catharsis. I am doing it more for me than for anyone else. I chose to anonymous for now since things between us have not concluded in real world (only in my mind so far)....Someday! I would definetely like to post it on my facebook. :)
Thank you for reading.
Happy new year!




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