Screened In Porch

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2017-01-03 01:22:41 (UTC)

Sometimes I just hate this place

I have got to the point now I do not want to go too far from home. This constant pain that no one can see hurts more and more.
My daughter stopped in today to pick up something they left during Christmas and I could barely hear a word she said. Not just
the pain, but not being able to hear people talking is difficult. It is getting worse and worse.

I do not like to talk on the phone at all. Too hard. Been using texting more with important things. But even that is annoying to
me if someone sends a text that just keeps on going...page after page. Lord have mercy. Why do people have to say so damn much?
I am just not interested. I can not keep a secret. I will blurt it out to the wrong person at the wrong time. So, do not tell me shit.
It is that simple. I am sure my business lady friend is pissed off at me. Hell, she never said the stuff she said to me was some sort
of secret. I do not do drama. So, when you call me up crying and going on and on about your loser boyfriend. And you mention
he bought coke? Well, one, I do not need to know that shit. I could have gone on forever never knowing that. Learn how not to
tell shit like that. I do not hang with people who buy drugs. I do not do them. I do not buy them. I am not going to be in the
news story when someone is arrested. Just not happening. I did not like it. So, if you pissed off at me for my honest reaction,
then that is on you, not me. Would you run across the street and blab that information to your neighbors? I did not think so.

And when I stop hearing from her, I figure she must have got back with him which is her business and I do not care. But if you
are going to get pissed at me because I am the one person that tells you when you do break up with him that you can do so
much better than him...you deserve so much more. Then, do not whine and complain to me about him when he breaks your heart,
spends all his money, lies, gets drunk and breaks things etc...just do not tell me. I do not want to hang out with him anyway.
I do not need to know any of that shit. Maybe I am not a good enough friend. Maybe these people want to be told to call
him, text him, beg him to come back, to your house so you can keep him up and be broke and upset all the time. Okay. Hmmm?
Not me.

So, no, I cannot keep secrets and I do not lie. I will tell you what I think. If you do not like it. Do not ask me anymore.
The next time you bring that shit up, I am gonna say the same thing. It is for your own good. Learn, grow and move on.
That is what I do.

Sure I have made some mistakes. I wish I could go back and have some do overs. But I can not. I can try to blame those mistakes
on other people. There are a lot to blame. But I am the one who let those people get too me. I am the one who over reacted.
So, I did things I wish I had not done. Things some people are still mad about....still talking about. I am feeling guilty about
some of those things. NOT ALL....some. At least I am not a cold hearted bitch that does not give a shit about what you
think. There was a time when I cared about that and I bent over backwards trying to be excepted and loved. But that
was a waste of time. One damn thing after another and after putting up with the shit...the same ole shit for over ten
years....I told them what I thought. Again, people do not mind pissing you off. But when you tell them how all that has
made you feel about them.....well, they get all shitty about it. I say....fuck off. If you do not like me, stay away from me.
I am not a fighter. I am not a redneck. But I will kick you into the ground if you think about pushing me too far. I will.
Hell, I will tell you that to your face. I did that too.

So, a bunch of people who never liked me anyway really do not like me now. And I do not give a shit.
Fuck them.

When they see me out with my friends ( when I was going out more ) they looked....and looked and probably
had lots to say about me not being at home with him. But, he knew where I was and was ok with it. The fact that
they were not and wanted to go from one family member to another running me into the ground saying things
that simply were not true....well that is on them. Again. I want nothing to do with them.

I know there will be a funeral or something one day where they will be there....giving me the stink eye, but I
will have him by side....and they will not. They lost him. I lost nothing. I gained my peace of mind.

But still, sometimes I just hate it around here.

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