Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2017-01-01 23:43:26 (UTC)

What It Had Always Been

I will be completely honest... logging into my diary and seeing that the entire user interface has changed (after almost 12 years of little change) kind of fucked me up in a major way. Especially with the somewhat vulnerable place I'm in at the moment. I'm not a big proponent for drastic changes. Even if they are for the greater good. Does the site look better? Yes. Is it running better? That has yet to be seen, but so far so good. Do I like it? Nope. I can acknowledge that it looks better, but I miss the way it was. The comfort of what it had always been. I could cry. Why wasn't this change optional?! Like when we could change background colors? I don't even like this font... or the black background in the entry space... or the weird spacing of the sentences... or the fact that I have a 2in box to type in (and I can't see my whole entry at once). I'm not pleased, and I'm getting more upset about it as I go. Being that I use this site to help deal with mental illness, its super fucking unsettling that my comfort zone/happy place/coping mechanism is essentially foreign and gone forever. Fuck. Me. And that's how I feel about it... can't even remember what I came here to write about... but I know it was how good of a day I'd had, and how I'd come to some really important revelations. Poof. That positivity has dissipated into the ether. I feel petty and childish for feeling this way, but I do. And I really can't help the way I feel. These feelings are valid. But...
I'm
So
Sad
I'll try to move forward. Unless I plan on leaving the site (which would be an even bigger departure from what I know), there ain't a damn thing I can do about this.

To continue the discussion I was having with (essentially) myself last week, I need to find either additional work, or a totally new job... but I'm not feeling ready for that. Working truly full time has always been a bit of a scary proposition for me. My mental issues make sustaining that level of focus and discipline incredibly challenging. I fear committing to a 40 hour work week 100% of the time because I might break under the pressure. I so often need to get away, and I can't do that when I have to be at work at 8am every morning. It's not an excuse, because if I could snap my fingers and do it, I would. I WANT to be able to work a regular job and not feel panicked that I might lose my composure. But it's happened in the past. That being said, I'm scheduled 18 hours this week. Not even the maximum for part time. How am I supposed to live on that? As it is, we're having to find a way to rob Peter to pay Paul just to get the rent paid. I can't believe I'm at a place in life at my age where I can't even make my rent on time. Everyone is so waxing poetic about how awesome 2017 is going to be, and I'm just over here looking at more of the same shit with no relief in sight.

I don't know if it's odd or a blessing, but in the shitstorm that is my life, I feel oddly calm about it all. I've never been more comfortable in my own skin or more confident in who I am. Even though my entire existence is crumbling around me. Like I could toss a match on my life and calmly watch it burn... then walk away and start over. it's an idea. My point being, I've got a significant amount of inner peace for someone who is totally unhappy with life as it currently is. I'm highly motivated to change my circumstances, but unsure how to go about it. And yet, I'm peaceful.

I had a little coffee date/social outing with an old friend today. A big deal for me, considering I have always struggled with fostering, nurturing and maintaining meaningful relationships. I have so few friends, and I'm totally cool with that. But the few friends I do have deserve more of me than an online presence. In this case, Selena reached out to me in her time of need. She's going through some tough stuff and needed to talk it out. I was honored she chose me to be that person she reached out to, and I hope I was able to help. It was an instance of the broken leading the broken, but I'm further in my journey of recovery than she is (she's been newly diagnosed with a significantly debilitating mental disorder after a recent psychotic break). We sat for hours in a local coffee shop and dissected everything that came to mind. Something we both needed, and will be doing again soon. I don't feel like I've got the right to divulge what we discussed (even if this diary is damn near impossible for anyone to find, or attach to me), so I won't... it was some heavy stuff, though.

Went to the gym after that. Which in total encompassed my day. An easy start to the new year. It wasn't crowded at all. I somewhat expected there to be a bunch of new years resolutionists, but there wasn't. And I was there at a usually busy time (4pm). I'll assume it being a Sunday had something to do with that. Not generally a busy day at the gym. It felt so good moving my body after sitting for so much of the day. I took Kiki and Keenan with me, but instead of them sitting in the kitchen waiting for me, I took them upstairs to the group exercise room, which has an adjacent room filled with fitness odds and ends. A mini trampoline being one of those interesting pieces of equipment. I got in a full two hour workout without so much as a peep from them. Bliss, I tell you.

I still can't recall what it was I wanted to extrapolate on. The revelations I'd come to have escaped me. That's sad, but I'm holding out hope they'll return once I get over the changes to my diary. As resistant as I am to change, I always do adapt. In the end. Eventually.




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