rainy

My heart in a knot
2016-12-31 19:16:16 (UTC)

Goodbye 2016

I am writing earlier than I usually would because I felt like I was about to fall asleep and I'd never get this written out if I did. I'm sleeping a bit better now since I've started back on the probiotics... they really seem to help.


Well, this is it! 2016 is coming to an end, another year on this earth. I've learned so many lessons but I'm still here asking myself what is the point of it all? meaning, what is the purpose of life and living? I really have to stop asking myself deep questions like that because it really starts to weigh heavily on you, so much so that I feel like I've lost a lot of the motivation that I had when I was younger... I've lost a lot since I was younger.


2016 was a difficult year for me. I lost 2 jobs, I didn't get on a career path, I'm still living the same miserable life. But it's not all bad! because 2016 is also the year that I learned that if I don't change now that things will never get better, I also learned how to view every situation and person as a learning opportunity to grow. I also learned a lot about my health and what I need to stay healthy. I really do feel like I'm finally starting to be able to let go of my past and move forward.

I do wish that I could have made a better impression on TT and Ms. M, they two of them were very interesting women to me, very complex and sophisticated. I wonder what both of them are doing. I know I'll meet other people eventually, but it still sucks.

I feel nervous about what 2017 has in store for me, for some reason I feel like 2017 is going to be the year that something happens, I just don't know if that something is going to be big or small, bad or good.. I just feel like something major is coming, it has me nervous but I can't stop time and I certainly can't rewind it. I feel like I'm up against a lot. On youtube I was just watching a couple making a new move, they are so excited, they were living in a small town with not much opportunity and now they are "moving up", I think I've been living that way...just settling for less and staying in my comfort zone because going out and trying is scarier than staying in and feeling the security of the familiar. But maybe in 2017 I will break that... I don't have any plans, I have kind of been taking life one day at a time but that has to end, I need to start making and having plans... I hate to say this but I'm scared of being like my sister, at times she seems worst off than me. I don't see her doing much with her life besides playing video games, she won't even clean up after herself, I cleaned the whole house today...soon I'll be making some repairs, or maybe I won't... I'm tired of putting my money and effort into fixing things around this house. I'm ready for my own house, but I need a job first.

I was just laying here (trying to fight falling asleep) and I started to think about something "bizarre", lets say... what if I wanted to contact someone who I knew from my past, anyone,.. I mean, out the blue, just to talk. What is stopping me? social norms? conformity? not wanting to seem strange to people? I mean, why do we draw so many lines...

This entry hasn't gone nearly as well as I had hoped, and it's because I'm about to fall asleep... I feel kind of bad too because I really needed to "purge" all of my 2016 thoughts out, including all that went wrong at my jobs and Ms. M... just everything... but I guess I've explained it over and over already... even though I feel it wasn't very clear and detailed as I was going to write it out to be. Maybe I'll fall asleep and come back later to write it out.

I guess I'll go and think about some things..

HAPPY NEW YEAR :)





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