Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-12-30 10:52:47 (UTC)

A Sea Of Pessimism (My Life)

It's just shy of 3am, and I wasn't going to write tonight, but my consistency has been so shitty lately, I couldn't bring myself to miss a day for no damn reason. I need to get back on track with my writing. It helps me process shit, and goodness knows I need to keep processing or I'll lose my mind. It's got to come out somehow, and this is the best way.

For whatever reason, I had glimpses of optimism in what is generally a sea of pessimism (my life). At various times in the day, I can remember telling myself "everything will be okay" and "you'll get through this", and even "you always find a way". If there's anything I'm certain of, it's my ability to adapt and overcome. There hasn't been a single obstacle I haven't surmounted, and until I die that won't change. I will continue to persevere. No matter how tough. Or how unlikely it may seem. I will always be okay. Until I'm not, but I'll deal with that when the time comes. I have learned to do so much with so little, and I'll continue to do so for however long I have to. Even when my will to live wanes, something deep inside of me taps into my well of self-preservation. I can't promise I won't end my life someday, but I kind of expect it to be one of those euthanasia type situations. I will not suffer through a lingering death. But that's another topic for another day.

Most of the day was spent resting. I fully meant to write last night, but Keenan fell asleep on me, and I fell asleep too. I guess I needed it, because I slept almost 10 hours. Then I mindlessly watched makeup and hair tutorials on Instagram until I finally started to feel like a bump on a log for not moving all day. So I went to the gym. Problem solved. I needed my steps more than anything, and I didn't particularly feel like marching in place in my bedroom.

I'm getting so much stronger! It's great. I also feel leaner. I'm still fluffy as fuck, but I can feel the changes happening in my body, and I like them. I mean, I still have moments where I panic a little because my body is so different from what it was for so long, but ultimately I know it's a good thing that I'm getting in shape. I deserve to look and feel my best. I did my usual cardio and weight routine, but instead of struggling through it like I did for so long, it came somewhat easy. So, I threw in some kettlebell swings and squats to keep it somewhat challenging. It worked. I'm sure I'll be feeling it in the subsequent days.




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