Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-12-28 07:49:56 (UTC)

A Place Of Not Caring

It troubles me that I'm in what I'd consider a low, and the one thing that's always helped me cope (writing. Specifically here) seems to be yet another task I'm having to force myself to do. A sure sign depression is winning, at least at the moment. I could lay down and sleep forever, but life doesn't work that way. I'm at a loss when it comes to brainstorming appropriate coping mechanisms. I just don't even want to try.

Sleeping in was the most glorious thing ever this morning. I didn't have to set an alarm. I woke up on my own, and even had time to procrastinate before getting ready for work. I should have called HR about my medical coverage, but I didn't. Because I'm in a place of not caring and I honestly don't think there's anything I can do, even if I did care.

I spent the majority of my procrastination scrolling Craigslist for job listings. I found two (within the same company) that piqued my interest: an administrative assistant position and a receptionist position. Both of which sound perfect for me. Full time, 8am to 4:30pm Monday through Friday schedule, paid holidays and vacation, full benefits package. Everything I've ever wanted... only problem is, when I went to do my research on glassdoor.com, the reviews from the inside were dubious. I don't think this should deter me from applying, but it definitely concerns me. Things like management being more apt to fire and rehire from outside than train current staff or promote from within. Nepotism, preferential treatment, poor communication, below average pay, and a few other red flags. I'm concerned, but still curious, and feeling very done with retail. Especially after what happened to me today.

I was scheduled to work 12:45pm to 5:45pm with a 5:45pm to 8:30pm shift extension. I HATE shift extensions, but I accept that they're part of the job. I consider them a shift I'll have to work, unless I'm told otherwise. And that's just it. I was told twice that they wouldn't be using my shift extension. So, I went about the last hour of my work day thinking I was getting of at 5:45pm. Come 6pm no one came to take over the fitting rooms. 6:10ish, I ran into Sara on my way to taking go backs to PINK and I asked her who was taking over for me... she said "we're using your extension, didn't Crystal tell you?" Um, no. If she had, I wouldn't be asking who was taking over for me. Last conversation I'd had about my schedule was Crystal telling Sara I'd watch the floor during her lunch before I left at 5:45. It wasn't that she wanted to keep me until 8:30 that was the problem. It was that I was told TWICE that I wasn't being kept, only for her to turn around and decide she WAS keeping me, and worse yet, not even having the decency to tell me. My time is valuable. To me, at least. I deserve to be considered when those types of decisions are being made. Especially when I was told one thing.

I want out. And not because I don't like what I do. Actually, I'm still feeling pretty warm and fuzzy about that. I just feel like I deserve more. I am capable of more. Unfortunately, I've achieved as much as I'm going to at VS. Something about me prevents me from moving any higher in this company. I need to move on. They don't deserve me. I'm not one of those people who needs a daily ego stroke. I'm one of those people who needs to feel like I'm contributing in some meaningful way while still being valued and respected on some level. That need isn't being met.

Can I just say mental illness sucks? I feel like such a piece of shit, Debbie Downer. Like, all the time. I don't even want to be around myself. Fuck...




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