Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-12-27 05:01:24 (UTC)

Highest Highs And Lowest Lows

It's funny how one day turns into two... turns into three... and before you know it, a week has passed. The past six days have been a complex mixture of much of the same, crushing blows, happiness, sadness, defeat. The full gamut of highest highs and lowest lows. I won't get into everything. I just can't. Some things are best left in the past.

I did my best to give the kids the best Christmas possible. I'm very stuck between wanting to abandon the holiday entirely and wanting to give my kids the most magical day possible. I almost wish I'd been as conscious as I am now before I had them. Giving up commercialism/materialism/colonialisms would be so much easier had we never started. Now they're entrenched in traditions they're unwilling to abandon. And because I love them, I can't hurt them by yanking their customs out from underneath them. So, I give them Christmas even though we couldn't really afford it. Not to the extent I feel they deserve. It's never enough. And yet, they're so happy, and I'm happy they're happy... as I stress over how I'm going to pay January's rent. I never thought I'd find myself in this situation. I never expected life to go as it is right now. It's getting to the point where I'm almost tired of the fight. Everything is so hard, and it just keeps getting harder.

Thursday of last week I got a letter from HR informing me that I'm losing my medical benefits on the 31st because I didn't work enough in 2016. Wednesday I find out I may have a torn ligament in my knee, may possibly need surgery. Thursday I find out I'm losing the one thing my job afforded me (aside from income). I don't know what's going to happen... I don't know what to do, and every time I think about it I feel like breaking down. I'm losing my will to keep pushing forward. Bit by bit. As I encounter more resistance, I feel less like pushing back. I want to give up. But I also feel oddly serene. Calm and unanxious. I care, but not really, or at least - not for very long. I don't know what it all means...

Early mornings, late nights, long days at work, and the constant financial hardships have worn me way the fuck down. I'm exhausted. I'm a cocktail of deep sadness, ambivalence, occasional happiness, and a constant yearning to run away from everything. The rational knowledge that life isn't so bad, and the irrational feeling that I can't live like this anymore compete with one another in my head. All day - every day. I wonder often what it would be like to fall asleep and never wake up. I want to die... but I don't. I love myself... but I don't. I love my family... but I want to run away from them and everyone I know. I need it all to stop. I think I'm in a state of minor crisis. I'll be okay, but it's a tough time. A very tough time.





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