rainy

My heart in a knot
2016-12-24 01:24:52 (UTC)

Nope.

I hate waking up in the middle of the early mornings thinking about people and situations. I woke up thinking about Ms. M, it was like a nightmare unfolding. I realized that I needed her far more than she needed me but I hate being needy, she needed a strong confident employee with a good head on her shoulders and what she got was a woman with a lot of self-doubt and insecurities that holds her back from achieving. I had wished that Ms. M would have given me more of a "push" but by our last conversation she had given up on me, why? I'll never know, but I think she had felt there were red flags and she was acting on her intuition, but I think what really did it was how things were going with me and the other girl who was training me, there was some issues and it made me turn out to look like a liar, and once Ms. M felt she couldn't trust me the spark in her eye and upbeat tone of her voice all went away. That's when she became cold and distant.

I wonder how things would have unfolded if I just would have told her about how I'm battling being sick right now. I feel like I was embarrassed about going through this and felt hopeless in trying to explain to people how I'm sick but look ok. What's worst is that I have no official diagnosis for anything, all of the information I've found has been a collection of my own research into understanding my body and what started to go wrong. This is why I came to the candida conclusion, however how could I have explained that to Ms. M when candida is not medically recognized? to an extent I think it would have only furthered her growing concern over me as a quality employee. I literally never even really got to start the job, now I'm starting to fully heal I hope in the future I can get a job similar to it and prove Ms. M wrong, I really think she just thought I must have been lazy and unmotivated but really I've been fighting a battle with my health and I can't afford a team of doctors to help me so I have to do it on my own.

But besides just being my former boss Ms. M was so well-rounded, granted she was very uptight when it came to playing by the rules, and that made it hard to get to know her. During our last conversation I wanted her to say something to me, anything, but she didn't she remained silent and I was just standing there trying to get my life together. On my last performance with her I basically looked like I was failing to get my entire life together, it was so embarrassing as she sat there watching me with a look of disbelief on her face, I don't think she has ever witnessed something like what she witnessed with me. I tried to read her face and I could see disappointment but that was it. That was the second chance that she had given me and the thing is that even if I could go back and try it again my head just wasn't there, I still had brain fog and things that I learned were being lost in my thoughts, added with stress and the fact that they were both watching me fail at life just made things worst.

All I know is that I can't continue being this way, hopefully in the future I'll meet other people who are like Ms. M but I won't let them down and I'll hopefully walk away with a strong bond with them as well. But in order to get there I still need to continue to focus on my health, I believe that my health is the cause of about 90 percent of all my problems, the rest is just my own lack of a strong support team to help me overcome the barriers I am facing. Ms. M has a strong support system with her family, she's with them right now... it's one of the things that I felt she got that I didn't get which has made her a much stronger and well equipped person. We were both adopted, but she was adopted into a much more loving family... or at least I think so, I still don't understand why she moved so far away from them and doesn't maintain social contact with them on social media, maybe she is just a private person. I sometimes thought maybe she was here because of her ex-husband, and right now she's still in the divorce process.


The thing is that it's a huge difference of quality of life here than it is where she and most of her family is from. She seems to have such a beautiful and loving family that I wouldn't dare stay here, especially after reading the news. Maybe what is keeping her here is the love for the company she is with, if I had to guess though she is likely working through a way to eventually start her own company and will move back home and build it there but right now going through the divorce is both stressful and expensive so she remains in this state where there isn't much progress going on until she has the means to go back home... at least that's my speculation. I can just imagine how much love she must be feeling right now being back in her home state with her loving family around her, she must have completely forgotten about me by now. I wish I had that but my family is so dysfunctional, there are no strong bonds, I guess because many of them have experienced hardship and it makes it more difficult for them to connect.


I think when you have a comfortable life like Ms. M has then it's easy to not be aware of others situations. Everyone has a story to tell and life isn't always peaches and cream, and even though I think I sometimes paint my life to be a disaster it really isn't that bad as other people's lives. Like my "cousin" who for some reason keeps trying to contact me...she has done so many bad things in her life and has made so many bad decisions, but not like my bad decisions, she has made detrimental, life-impacting bad decisions that are extremely hard to ever overcome. If I were in her shoes I would feel hopeless about life, for example she lost 2 of her kids, shes been in numerous abusive relationships, she's been in the prison system, and she's committed numerous crimes. A lot of people have given up on her and don't trust her, including me. I don't think she can be helped or ever change and I personally am terrified of her.... and I wonder if Ms. M saw me in that light??? even though I've never done anything like that I wonder if Ms. M just thought I can't be helped but that I needed help. I don't like needing help but I'm not perfect.

As far as my health is concerned I'm working through it, I mentioned in my last entry that I picked up a few things from the health store yesterday to help continue my healing from leaky gut and candida. Right now I'm not eating processed foods and I'm on a mostly liquid diet and protein like turkey and chicken. The coconut oil and apple cider vinegar are helping tremendously. I take omega 3 supplements and will soon start making my own bone broth. After loosing my second good job I've decided that I can no longer risk it by eating any processed foods until my candida is gone and my gut flora restored. That in my opinion may have been the problem with me not being able to focus and retain the learning material I was training for at my job, so I will have no more snack foods like chips and sweets, even if they are "healthy". I feel like I'm finally on the right track to healing completely, the thing however that I have been reading from other people is that these improvements aren't going to happen in a day, my problem was that I wanted to heal fast, but leaky gut and candida took years to develop so it's not going to go away over night, I'm going to have to remain consistent on this diet and I can't allow any slip ups, everything that enters my body needs to have a functional purpose in healing...so as hard as it may be, no chocolate for a while.

It may take all of 2017 plus some to completely heal but right now I'm ok with that, my body already feels so much better. I guess it took me loosing 2 good jobs, loosing 2 amazing people that I wanted to be life long friends with, a car, not doing well on the GRE, and having one of the most depressing birthdays of my life for me to realize that I need to change now. So I'm getting the message from the universe and I'm changing, although I'm not Ms. M right now, maybe through these changes I can soon thrive and feel confident to make it on my own.

One last thing I wanted to write about before I go back to sleep, I wrote about being "terrified" of my "cousin" who has lived a less than holy life, but it's not just her, nearly anyone who has committed any type of crime or who I feel has a bad character I'm fearful of, why? mostly because I fear they will drag me down with them...I don't think it's an irrational fear but I wonder if I take it to the extreme to the point that it leaves me isolated because I want people to be "pure" and good. Yesterday I had taken a trip to the mall to go to a book store and pick something up, it is a very nice mall and mostly upper class people shop there, I hadn't been there in years, I even worked there at one point. Well, everyone looked so rich that I felt out of place.. My problem is that I sometimes get so caught up in status and people's life choices that I forget that the world is made for everyone and that the universe ideally works in everyone's favor even if they have made bad choices in life or are struggling, as well as those who may seem well off and well adjusted also face hardship and may not always be in the position that they are in. So I have to learn to stop feeling out of place just because I occupy space with people who may have achieved more than me.


I bet Ms. M is enjoying a peaceful nights rest with her family and is going to enjoy hot coco and family time for Christmas eve and Christmas day, I can't lie, I had hoped to get to know her well enough so she could take me with her lol.




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