rainy

My heart in a knot
2016-12-15 18:09:46 (UTC)

Everything that's bothering me

I just feel the need to make a list of everything bothering me at the moment. I think at the top of that list should definitely be PMS.. my period is late and it's wreaking havoc on my emotions and causing me to be irritable. At this point I feel it would be better for me to lock myself away from other people until this is over, but I can't so I just have to work through it. Especially at work tomorrow, the last few days my energy has been so low and I've been clearly irritable and it has set off all kinds of alarms with the girl I'm working with, she goes back and tells Ms. M everything that happens and I guess she has been unsatisfied with my lack of enthusiasm these last few days but the issue is that my period was supposed to start the 10th, I started to get irritable around that day and it has lasted all the way up until now... I have a headache and I've been thrown all around with my emotions, I've been trying to keep it together for the sake of this job! but clearly my period has been getting worst over the years and I'm paying dearly for it.


Speaking of working/careers/jobs I need to write about this. So my last job denied my application today, I think they would have likely approved it but because of my performance during my 8 months there they decided not to. It makes me upset because I can't fix the past. I started off as a low quality performer and that was where my problems began, after that I improved a bit, but not well enough, then on top of that I was sick and having emotional problems all while not even realizing it. I was disappointed that they denied my application because it would have been the perfect 2nd job to my current job, but in all honesty I understand why they are not willing to give me a second chance. At this point all I can really do is move on, maybe I'll try to apply again some time, or maybe I need to start looking into other fields that pay well.

Now.. onto my current job. Things aren't going well. Here's why things aren't going well: firstly, I went into that job sick, although I feel better now it negatively effected my first impression on both my boss and co-workers. Plus me not going to the holiday party this coming Saturday also negatively effects me because it sends a message that I'm "anti-social". Currently I've been working my sessions under the supervision of another co-worker who is younger than me and has been working this job for around 5 months, Ms. M, really likes her and holds her in high esteem. I think for the first few days things were going well, I started working with her on the 7th of last week, so we've been working for one week now, I didn't really give off a lot of energy... before I continue I really do wish I could explain in more detail about this job but I can't because if I did it would be like telling people's dirty laundry... trust me, I could go into great details about everything happening at this job and I hate that some things have to remain "secret" because in my opinion the point of life is to document it and in my opinion everything that happens should be told, but in this case I have to leave other people's stories out, or at least I think I do, I don't know if I just changed names if it would be ok.. ugh.. just no.

Anyway, just know that this job isn't going well because I haven't been the best...today Ms. M even called me to "ask" how things were going, I know it's likely that the other girl I'm working with already told her and that Ms. M was just reciting what she said in question form to see what I would say, of course I told her the truth about everything and how I was doing. She is hilarious, but I'm pitiful, basically as I was telling her the truth about things there were 2 long pauses in her voice and many times that she changed the tone of her voice to note her disapproval/disappointment/concern. It's sad on my part but I couldn't help but to look at my tragic situation and think about the look on her face she must have been making during our phone conversation, she has a look that she makes when she doesn't understand something that I'm saying, it's part sad/tragic, but it's also part hilarious. It's sad because I know she is questioning my capabilities and possibly wondering if something is seriously wrong with me, but it's funny because of the actual look is just out of this world. But in seriousness, she has a side to her that I don't enjoy much, and she does get sarcastic with me at times. I think she was even trying to hint something to me today, maybe like she wanted to imply something but didn't want to be direct as to not offend me.


Anyway, I'm wondering at this point where this job is going to head for me, at this point I truly believe that Ms. M doubts my abilities to do this job effectively..another thing I wanted to mention was the maturity in her voice verses my own. Lately the sound of my voice has been annoying me, it's not as mature as Ms. M's voice is, her voice fairly depicts her age and I feel like mine sounds like a child. Plus she is very well spoken, I hang onto every word she says, but not in that sense because the girl I work with looks to be the one mentoring under her which is why I think Ms. M likes her so much and confides in her about everything, apparently they talk for hours on the phone, I can only imagine what they must be saying about me.


So back to my financial woes, I wanted to get the second job at my old job because this job doesn't have any security, besides my own performance, this job is very reliant on availability of clients, so if there are no clients there is no work. Even the girl I've been working with expressed today her fears of loosing the clients that she has, apparently she has been on some hard times, I can tell because she drives a old model car and told me she can't afford to buy any of her friends and family gifts for the holidays. I also think she wears the same pants about 5 times out the week, which doesn't bother me but it might be that she can't afford any more clothes. This job doesn't offer much but she is already in the position that she is earning the most because she has many clients and is getting paid at the highest rate.


My last paycheck was only $244... I wanted to cry, I made more money working in retail, and that check consisted of over 30 hours. At my current pay rate and hours that I've done last week and this week I am only making around $76 dollars a week after taxes have been taken out. I'm not complaining, 76 dollars is better than 0 dollars... but that brings me to another thing I've been noticing and having a serious fear in. When I go out around town I see so much poverty, people who are 40 years old and older who never made it out of poverty, they are working low wage jobs and they look miserable... today I was so scared that might be me in 10 years. The reality is that you have to get yourself through life.. and it's not always easy or fair... but you have to try.

My sister on the other hand has been giving me a growing frustration that I just cannot stand. Not only does she leave a mess every time she cooks, but she still hasn't paid the electricity bill, she just plays video games all day!!!! she's not looking for a job! that makes no sense in the world to me. If you don't have a job why would you sit at home playing video games all day and running the heater all day knowing that you don't have money to pay the bill to run it???? I wonder if she thinks the gaming system runs on air? It really bothers me because when I was struggling and didn't have a job I made it a PRIORITY to cut down my power usage so that the bill wouldn't be high, I only ran basic things like the refrigerator and one lamp when it was dark, I charged my cell phone at the public library and anything else that I needed charged I charged it there too. So why on earth does my sister just think she can sit at home and run up the power bill and not go get a job so she can pay the bill?????????? why doesn't she clean up after herself?????

I understand that I'm struggling at my jobs, I struggled at my last job and now I'm struggling at this one, but I'm TRYING, and even if I fail (which I may) that doesn't mean I'll give up; I'll analyze where I went wrong so I don't make the same mistake again and I'll continue to work on improving, that's the thing, the difference between me and my sister, I at least make an effort, even if I fail, I try something new and I keep at it and I'm working on figuring out how I am going to improve. For example, since June of this year and today I've learned so much about my body, what has been going wrong with it and how I've been ignoring critical signs of my health, but I went to the public library and got a bunch of books and I did my own research and now I am armed with the knowledge I need to heal myself when I need it. I don't just sit in my room playing video games ignoring everything, the problem is that our parents baby her... they even paid her car insurance for a long time when I was paying my own, her friends pick up her groceries for her. She is so dependent on everyone but herself and people keep doing things for her, she doesn't seem to care either. I even worry some of her rubs off on me.

So all of my fears and worries and my current situation is why I look at people like Ms. M, TT, and anyone else I have mentioned in the past as a way to "escape" my own reality. If I can look at someone's life and see how perfect their life looks to me (even if their life isn't perfect) I can escape my own reality for a while, that's why I've been focusing so much on Ms. M and writing about her. Sean and I still text a little too... today he asked me something really profound. he asked me what was making me stay (in this city), I didn't answer because that is a question I've even been asking myself for the last few years, and the best answer (that holds the most truth) is fear. I fear moving away from the family that I know, I fear moving to a place I've never been and not knowing anyone, I fear not knowing or being capable of making it on my own. I fear homelessness, violence, crime, rape, poverty, failure, death...I feel like I don't have the tools I need to make it on my own... so I look at people like Ms. M who is successful, educated.. she is living here on her own, she had her husband but they divorced and I think that was recently, I do believe that soon when she is finished with her divorce she will move back to her home state, from what she said around thanksgiving is that it was just her here since she doesn't have her husband anymore. I think her divorce is tragic, but she seems pushy so maybe that could have been a factor.

I will be thinking about seans question over the next few days.. because I am unhappy in this city...but don't want to spend a bunch of money moving trying to find happiness somewhere else only to be unhappy and alone. I wonder if Ms. M is as happy as she seems to present herself to be... I think she is and I think she holds on deeply to her religious beliefs for a lot of that happiness.

I think those were the major things bothering me and I'm glad I wrote them out because it helped me to realize that my problems aren't as big as I sometimes feel they are...I even feel a bit more upbeat now that I let that all out! sorry if I depressed anyone.





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