Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-12-15 07:49:35 (UTC)

Entirely Within Myself

Is it absolutely terrible that I don't care to hear about Annie's teenaged angst? I can hear her talking to Snookums in the kitchen about some insignificant quibble she's having with a girlfriend at school, and I feel slightly bad for not caring. The funny thing about it is, I've worked so hard for the past 18 years to ensure that her biggest problems in life are things like this minor issue she's having with a kid at school, and yet I have very little patience when it comes to listening to these things. Partly because I remember being her age and wondering how I was going to afford to take care of her. I'm thankful for how life has worked out, so she isn't dealing with the same problems I had... even if deep inside me I think it's all stupid shit she focuses on, and I want her to shut up about it. I know, mother of the year. This is why I'm telling my diary and not her. I will always listen if she needs me to. But really, I'm kind of super grateful she always tells Snookums this stuff. I should feel left out or something, I think... but I'm not.

I think back to the time when work was the most excruciatingly unbearable entity in my life. When the very thought of going to work made me want to cry. When I seriously couldn't see myself doing this anymore. I struggled to find anything good or redeeming about my role, my coworkers, the company. Anything. Utterly miserable was my constant state of being... I'm very proud to say the change that has made work bearable again has been entirely within myself. I did it. Nothing about my job has changed. It's the same bullshit hassles. Same people. Same shit customers. And yet, I'm so much better equipped to deal. To the point where I don't dread work. I don't drag my feet getting ready, making myself late, stressing myself out more, so work is even less enjoyable. I'm just in a really great place with it all at the moment. While I still think about doing something more fulfilling in the near to distant future, I've been able to tap into what is fulfilling about working at VS right now, and it's enough to sustain me (until later comes along).

Annie and I were supposed to get off work within 15 minutes of each other (me at 9pm, her at 9:15pm), but she ended up needing to stay late to help prep the store for a corporate visit. Since my gym and her place of employment are basically across the street from each other, I took the opportunity to sneak in a quick strength workout. Well, a 25 minute workout, so not terribly quick. Pretty decent. I'm pleased to report that I was able to increase my weight by 10 pounds on every machine! I might have been able to do 15 more, even. Progress! I can see a difference in my body, I feel stronger, I'm in less pain, everything is improving on the inside and out. I have never seen these kinds of results without starving myself or working out for 3 hours a day. It's taken longer, but not even that much longer. Since September. So just a few months. It's encouragement to keep going. To keep living a balanced life. A happy balance between my physical fitness, my relationship with food, and my emotional well-being. Everything is interconnecting so beautifully. For once. Now if only my financial well-being could align, that would be perfect.

My desire is to get up semi-early and go on a really beautiful hike. It's supposed to be a lovely day tomorrow. We'll see how that works out. I feel the need to spend some quality time in nature. But when don't I?




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