Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-11-28 07:23:27 (UTC)

The Risk Remains

Feeling all ethereal and cozy, strategically propped in bed with my plethora of pillows (2 kings, 2 standards, and a 5ft long body pillow. I don't play). Not to mention 500 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets (a gift from the rich in-laws), a fleece comforter, and a fuzzy micro-fleece throw. It's exactly 70 degrees in my room right now, and I'm feeling fabulous. On top of all that, I just got out of the most luscious bath I've had in a long time. It was full of good-for-me minerals, oils, and salts. I'm at my best when my self-care is on point, and today it was. I even went to the gym! Yay me :)

Half the day was spent in bed. The past couple days I've been dealing with dizziness and a nagging headache that just won't quite. They take turns coming and going. I have no idea what elicited these symptoms, but I know I want them gone. So, I rested. I made myself a good lunch (because I slept past breakfast), drank lots of water, and laid in bed until 4pm. I didn't feel the least bit bad about it, or lazy. It's what I needed, because by the time I was ready to enter the land of the living, the headache had finally departed.

It was my full intention to get to the gym today. With all the wonderful changes going on with my body, I'm feeling compelled to do more. To strengthen my muscles, tone up skin that's getting a little loose (now that the fat underneath it is gone). I'm still baffled by what's going on with little intervention from me. I'm averaging anywhere from 2,000-2,500 calories/day, eating whatever I want (all vegan, of course). I'm mostly just walking/hiking, doing a little weight training, and I'm losing 1-2 pounds/week. The ideal slow, sustained weight loss. I vividly remember starving myself on a 700 calorie diet because that's the only way I could achieve the quick results I wanted. Of course the second I started eating normally, all the weight and then some would come back with a vengeance. Why did it take me so long to figure out that wasn't the way?

FINALLY I have a healthy relationship with food. With my body. With exercise. It's all coming together, and I couldn't be happier. Even if at times I panic because my body looks and feels so different from how it used to. I almost want the weight back because I felt safer heavier. Like men couldn't hurt me. I need to understand that I'm no less safe now and was no safer then. Whether I'm overweight or a healthy weight, the risk remains. But that in no way means I'm a target. You're only a victim if you choose to be, and I will not let the past dictate who I am now, or how I live. I'm not a sexual assault victim. I'm not a rape victim. I'm just me, and those things may have happened to me, but they aren't me. I won't kill myself being obese because I'm worried some deviant might potentially violate me if I'm not fat and undesirable. It's such flawed thinking, I can't believe my subconscious even thinks that's a viable idea. Ugh. Dumb brain.

I made another batch of my amazing vegan mac and cheese using raw cashews to make the cheese sauce. I'm still in total awe of how it works! I love how quick and easy it is, too. Well, compared to how much effort went into my non-vegan version. I look at the finished product, with all it's gooeyness and creaminess and continue to be wowed. Even the non-vegans at work went wild for it! Which is great. There's no better testament to the accessibility of veganism than sharing bomb food with skeptics. They all assume I eat grass and twigs, I'm sure. At least, a few of them think that.

So back to this bath... during the fall/winter/spring months I struggle with circulation issues. Primarily cold feet and hands. Tonight at Central I found a circulation blend of therapeutic bath salts by Shepard Moon Concoctions called Vitality. I've used their bath salts for years, but I hadn't seen or tried this one. Maybe I've seen it, but not during the cold months when I need it. I got it and gave it a whirl tonight. There's a bunch of different salts, baking soda and essential oils like Geranium, Juniper, Rosemary, Black Pepper, and Fennel. Stuff I'd never buy individually or think to try... Oh my goodness. I put a little more Epsom salt and some bentonite clay in the water as well and it was perfection. The right temperature, the right salinity, just everything about it. I soaked for awhile, massaged myself down with macadamia nut oil (from a farm on Oahu. I got it while I was there visiting Gen), and gave myself a very therapeutic orgasm (a new addition to my self-care regime. It's important). And that's how I ended up where I'm at now. Propped up on pillows feeling fan-fucking-tastic :) Normally an hour after a bath I go back to feeling like my usual icicle self, but so far my extremities are still toasty. Maybe I found something!




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