šŸƒAmanda22Janeā¤

Ghost Writer
2016-11-24 13:48:26 (UTC)

00:48 After A Nap.

I'm tired. Had to have a nap after dinner. Woke up just before 2300. Felt better for the nap but I stil need more sleep. It's been a day of emotional growth and one of those days where I only get to grow when I face life and that hasn't been fuckin' easy. It's a courage-builder facing life and feel the fucking fear, I do, before courage kicks in.
I'm three weeks and one day clean and sober. And doesn't that FEEL GOOD. At least this last relapse was only four months long and not seven years like the relapse before that. I don't want a repeat of that again. And if this last relapse was only four months long, then this is a constant reminder that relapse IS research and I'm doing my research faster these days. So blessed that this last relapse was not a completely mindless act of insane abandon. I was constantly taking "notes" this time!
This dual recovery business keeps me busy. It's a lot of hard work. What I lack in financial comfort, I am trying to balance with effort in other areas so financial hardship doesn't screw with the parts of me that are psychologically strong at the moment.
Dependence on a Power Greater Than Myself helps tremendously : The Fourth Dimension approach to life.

I love my daughter. Very much. She's not speaking to me. It's over the mental health/CYF thing. Still going to deposit a little cash in her account for the weekend. (Don't care that I go hungry, my family is worth the sacrifice.) She'll have all the children to look after and I won't be there to help out with whatever I'm permitted to and just love my grandchildren and enjoy being with my family. This is very sad and I feel sad and I'm not writing anymore now. Close to tears. Going back to sleep. I sense that it's going to be a long day...




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